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Wednesday, 30 December 2009

  • New Years resolutions and other BS. A blog to distract me from my crappy life.



    Nope, already quit smoking a few years ago, this was just a cute picture I found.

    Truthfully, New Years resolutions are bull shit and I really only know one person who kept theirs.  And although I consider him to be one of my best friends, I think that's a little abnormal.

    One year I made completely reasonable resolutions like continue to smoke, gain weight, etc.. and I met all those, but people told me those didn't count. 

    This year my number one resolution is to get the hell out of expunges house.  I am almost afraid to make that my resolution though, since as I said, no one keeps them.

    And I really need to hit the road.  I met the " lady friend"  and although I am slightly exaggerating, this is a pretty good likeness.



    I am probably coming off as a bitter, jealous, bitch, right now, but really I am telling it how it is, even though I was trying not to stare since that would have been rude.  And if I'm being honest the above woman might even be slightly cuter than the lady friend.

    I'm not sure why expunge wanted me to meet her, I wouldn't be that anxious if  were him. 

    But as I am writing this it occurs to me, that maybe he wanted to make her jealous!  He wanted her to know that he lives with his hot ex wife!!! 

    I know if I was her, I would be hanging on a little extra tight.
     Not only that, I was VERY nice too. 
    Just a tip ladies, it's always good to make the new person think your ex was full of shit when he was talking about what a bitch you are. 

    I can hear the conversation now,

    Weathered, not attractive new girl :  Wow, your ex wife is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen!  And so sweet too, I thought you said she was a bitch?

    Expunge:   Well when I divorced her she wasn't that pretty and she is a bitch, she was being fake with you.

    Weathered, not attractive, new girl :  Really?  Because she was REALLY NICE.  ( thinks to self :  Hummm, maybe this guy isn't all I thought he was. He lives with his ex wife, she is gorgeous ,but he prefers me, AND he says she's a bitch when she's not)

    Expunge:  Errr, uhhh, Okay, I confess, she doesn't like me.  I would take her back in a heartbeat.  Her new years resolution is to move out and I'm devastated. 

    At least he's being honest now.  I'm sure she appreciated it.

    I think that's really important and I am glad they worked things out.

    Anyway,



    My New motto ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    And ...



    For those of you who are making this your resolution that you won't keep.     And...




    Cause I like this... AND


    I like this too



    See ya all 2010 or sooner

Monday, 21 December 2009

  • Things that have happened since I last blogged in September A holiday letter.

    Is anyone still here???  Oh well, thought I'd bring " everyone " up to date in the life of me.  Let's call it one of those annoying holiday update letters.

    Dear everyone I know and don't know,
    Happy Holidays.  Or not.

     2009 has both sucked and been good to the expunge family.  I have officially lost approximately 35 pounds since sometime in August, depending on the time of day and the  scale I obsessively go on. Everyone asks me how I did it, well wouldn't you like to know?  No, in truth, I just cut the calories.  And stress, major stress?  Always a good weight loss tool.  Nope, not really exercising, I figure I'll see how it looks when it's all off and if it needs some firming up I'll do it.  Maybe.   Or maybe I'll be a bag of flabby bones, we'll see.

    This isn't me.


    I got Jennie out of my bedroom!!!!!  Can I just say, having ones grown daughter in your room is paramount to living in an insane asylum.  I would like to personally give props to people who live in huts with their entire family and extended family. 


    Hut family

    You guys are amazing  ^^^^^ ( don't know who the white dude is in the picture).  Anyway, she got an apartment with boyfriend Jeff.  She was able to do that because she got a JOB!!!!!!!!!!  This was probably the best news of the year.  Since this holiday letter is to everyone I know, I won't tell you the name of her company, since stalkers are bad.  I'll just call it McSlave Trukk.  It's an industrial supply company and she gets everything for cost.  They even have tampon dispensers!!!!!  I was hoping she would get me one for Hanukkah, but she got me Jersey Boy tickets instead.  Oh well, I'll settle.  She is a web designer.  She knows nothing about web design, but they pay well, and she gets great benefits.

    Matt will probably get pissed off if I share any news about him, so in order to promote holiday cheer, I'll let him write his own holiday letter if he chooses to do so.

    I was excited that with Matt at school, that left me an expunge all alone, which is always nice since we don't really have to interact that way.  Unfortunately, it looks like expunge may have gotten himself a lady friend.  I know, right?  I was shocked too.  That means I may have to permanently expunge, expunge.  I know, I was waiting for the sugar daddy, but to be honest I didn't really put myself out there.  You know how it is, work and life get in the way and sugar daddy searching takes a back seat.



    That isn't me either.


    This is me
     

    Here is a picture of me.  I look like I'm on drugs, which I may or may not be ( not going to confirm or deny)  I am including it in this holiday letter because we didn't take holiday family pictures and some of my extended family hasn't seen me since summer. Plus, I am thinking of using it for my find a sugar daddy add, my sugar daddy will be at least 95, so it doesn't have to be the best picture.  I think I look fatter than I really am in this picture, but maybe I have that body dysmorphic thing.  Either way it's better than a few months ago.

    Work is going well for me, the bad boys have been pretty good, with the exception of Friday when one of the crazy kids went crazy.  Unfortunately, Expunge has joined the ranks of the unemployed.  Yep, unemployed and still gets a lady friend.  The world is upside down if you ask me. 

    I finally gave in and tried the elephant mask for my sleep apnea.   I decided after losing the weight I no longer had it, but my doctor said it's not a fat disease.  So I got the elephant mask and it SUCKS!!!!!!  I'm afraid I am going to have to be one of those people who give up on the mask.  I  mean who really designs these things?  The one I have now has so many Velcro tabs, you have to be an engineer to use it.


    And your hair gets stuck.  Unless you want to shave your head bald like in the above picture I would not suggest getting one.  So for now it just lays on the floor from when I threw it off a week ago.

    I apologize for the length of this holiday letter, but a lot has happened this year.  My favorite show of 2009 was Glee.  Sue is my girl!!!!!!  If you have never seen it, shame on you.  I also got hooked on Dexter, and Mad Men, and I am liking Modern Family.  I am excited about Ellen and American Idol and could care less who is on board with that.

    I brought my diabetes down so I now allow myself a little more than cheese and water, not much though cause I'm watching the calories. 

    Well, unfortunately expunge is home now as often happens when you're unemployed, and it's putting a cramp or crimp ( whatever ) in my creative, holiday letter, style.  So, maybe I'll catch up with you all in another three months.  Until then, Ba Hum Bug from me, and don't get so drunk you puke on New Years Eve.

    Oh, and I am now obsessed with the game Farmville, on Facebook, even though I think it's one of the worst, stupid, non intelligent, horrible, freeze my computer, games around. 

    I love my farm!!!!!!

    Much love,

    Momofjenmatt ( Laura)

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

  • Driver Safety Class Hell


    The Crime : making an illegal left turn into a gas station that had no customers in the middle of the day.

    The Cop:  Stereotypical jerk.

    The cop informs me that going to court will cost me WAY more money, but if I take the online safety class, I will only pay $105.00 AND will be on supervision.  So even though my friends tell me going to court is way better, cheaper, AND you still get supervision, I believe the cop.

    I won't make that mistake again.


    Day one, hour one, of the Online Safety class is not bad.  I got to play a couple games like Wheel of Speed and Tic Tac Collision.  Good times, got full allotted points, AND I figured out how to skip two boring video's and click next before they started.  


    I learn that I have until the end of September to finish Online Safety School, so of course I quit after hour one and don't look at it again until late Sunday night.  I have approximately 4 hours left.

    Lets just say those 4 hours got old really fast.  


    First, they didn't even mix up the games, same games, different questions.  What's up with that?  I thought I would play Are you Smarter than a Drunk Driver?  And maybe some Family Road Rage. 



    I could no longer skip the videos no matter how hard I tried to click next.


    I would finish reading skimming the page, but the monotonous voice on the page ( who reads to you out loud) took longer than our low level readers at work!


    You can't move on, click next, until he's done.  


    Also, I know I did a "bad" thing.  I committed  a crime, I made an illegal left turn, into a gas station, even though the sign was NOT clearly posted.  I can accept that, and I paid for it.  Well, okay, my mom sent me the money, but still...


    I think it's really unfair that I had to answer trick questions about speeding and taking cold medication while driving, when I didn't do those things.  I mean yes, I have done those things in the past, but I think one hour of lecturing on illegal left turns would have been sufficient.  In fact, in the whole five hour class I think illegal left turns was mentioned once.  It may have not even be mentioned at all.


    Monotonous man was condescending.  I can read all by myself and am hopeful that all licensed drivers can also read.  I don't need to be told that I shouldn't get in the car after fighting with my ex husband, crying, taking two Xanax, and drinking a bottle of wine.  


    And the chances of me counting three seconds to make sure I have enough space between the driver in front of me and myself, are pretty slim.  I'm sorry monotonous man, it's just not going to happen.

    I have some suggestions for the class too.  New games, simulated crashes that you can maneuver yourself.   Free booze with every class so that you can then play DUI, and see how it affects your reaction time.  Maybe some Sims like characters that you can make have road rage and you can see what happens when you don't put the baby in the car seat.  That would make the whole class worth it.  

    As it stands I would have to give the class 1 and a half stars. 



    I did learn one valuable lesson after the five hour online safety class, and that is


    Next time I'll go to court!

Thursday, 10 September 2009

  • Goodbye drunk, pill popping, Paula, hello Ellen

    When I first heard that Paula was whoring for more money on Idol and then got screwed over, I was surprisingly sad.  Yeah, she bugged the crap out of me, but not as much as the new girl who thinks she's the hottest thing since Tamales. Cara, Kara, whatever.  And come on, Paula is an American Idol staple. 

     I was going to miss her incoherent sentences and blubbering.  Who would Simon roll his eyes at and visibly cringe when she spoke? 

    It would be like dropping that Mary Murphy screecher on So You Think You Can Dance.  Some things are better left untouched. 

    If anything I would have wanted them to dump Randy.  Sorry, but the guy just does not do it for me anymore.  He's just kind of there.  I need to be entertained beyond the singers and he has not cut the mustard for awhile now.  At least Paula kept me amused.

    I couldn't imagine who they were going to get, Ozzy Osborn?  Lindsay Lohn?  Her career needs a boost.  AND either she or Brittany Spears could do a good pill popping thing and it wouldn't feel like Paula was gone at all.

    Imagine how thrilled I was to wake up this morning and learn MY GIRL ELLEN was replacing Paula.  OMG, I love Ellen!!!! 

    Granted she was a little out of her element on So You Think You Can Dance, but seriously, sitting by the screecher and the pmsing short hair lady, probably threw her off.  And she did have a couple laugh out loud moments, so I forgave her.

    I am upset that the audition rounds have been taped with no Ellen and with not funny people like Victoria Beckman.

    I mean lets face it, the bad singers in audition rounds are getting old, Ellen would have been the perfect breath of fresh air. 

    I would have loved to hear  " F#$#% ( beep) Ellen man, I can sing"

    But we can't have everything. 

    So goodbye Paula, have a nice life, bottoms up and cheers.  Hello Ellen, I am looking forward to laughing with you. 

    PS.  As you all can probably guess, my new favorite show, Glee, makes me giddy with excitment!

Just Me

  • I'm just a crazy Jewish mother, living in a crazy situation with my ex husband ( who lives with me) If you come here you might be amused, that seems to be my theme. Or you might say : "she's weird," and never come back again Either way, if your not a stalker, all are welcome.

Profile Info

  • First Name: Laura
  • Gender: Female
  • About Me: I'm just a crazy Jewish mother, living in a crazy situation with my ex husband ( who lives with me) If you come here you might be amused, that seems to be my theme. Or you might say : "she's weird," and never come back again Either way, if your not a stalker, all are welcome.