May 9, 2007

  • Jail - The Simple Life

    I guess Paris Hilton is a little distressed about the possibility of going to jail.  I have often thought about if I could handle jail.  Not because I run around robbing and murdering people, but because I think weirdly.

    I have decided I would not be able to handle jail.  There's the obvious reasons, being raped by big Bertha and her broom, bad food, and not having my own TV.  But a big reason is the bathroom situation.  In jail you have to go in front of everyone.  I was uncomfortable peeing in front of our old cat, I can't even imagine doing it out in the open for all to see. The thought horrifies me. 

    Then there is the noise, every time I see one of those Lock Up shows, I notice it's very noisy and there is an echo.  This is similar to how it sounds at work, but at least I can go home.

    I could not sleep in jail.  I need total silence, total darkness, and Ambian. 

    I think if I was in jail I would do something on purpose that would get me sent to the hole.  The hole, for all you non cool jail lingo people, is solitary confinement. 

    This is what I suggest for Paris.  She would have her mattress on the floor and I think it's designed to drive you crazy, but she wouldn't have to deal with the rest of the inmates. 

    Maybe Nicole will do something that puts her in jail too.  Then they could fly kites to each other.  These are notes you pass to other inmates.  They could pretend they are back in elementary school.  That might make it easier for her. 

    Since Nicole doesn't eat she could give her meals to the fat inmates in return for something Paris might want, like drugs.

    I don't know what she is going to do about the bathroom situation.  Maybe Bertha will make sure she has privacy.

    I don't think Arnold is going to give her a pardon.  I would be shocked if he did.  And mad.  You play you pay.  That's just how it is. 

    I'm not going to do anything that lands me in jail.  Paris if your reading this, I hope my jail survival tips have helped.  Hey, Martha did just fine, I'm sure you'll be fine too. 

    It's really the epitome of the simple life.

Comments (44)

  • except she's going to rich white people jail, not bad people murder, rape & pillage kind of jail.

    the only thing I see good about jail is 3 square meals a day & a roof over my head that I wouldn't have to pay outrageous property taxes on. I'm with you either way, not someplace I want to land.

  • "It's really the epitome of the simple life."

    That's what I was thinking, lol.

    This isn't a rich person's jail, but I did hear that if she does do time she won't be in general population. That's a shame. But I guess her life and physical well-being could be in danger because of who she is if she were in gen-pop. I don't really care, I think she's a twit of the highest order. She needs to go to jail because she is not above the law, no matter how much $$ she has.

  • She did wrong, just because she has money she should not walk free

  • Hear hear, CJ!! And amen! Like Baretta always said, don't do the crime if you can't do the time! And if Arnie gives her a pardon, he can kiss off future elections for him and his party!:tigger34:

  • I couldn't handle jail either :) ryc: I found out of all those other blogging places, Xanga is the best, we are like a family here :)

  • She needs to put on her big girl panties & quit her whining..oh wait, I forgot she, like her ex gal pal Britney, doesn't wear panties...I heard she may only have to serve 2 weeks of teh 45 days..which is crap..and she is lucky she was given a month to report to jail instead of immediately....gawd forbid she ot have time to get in a good shopping trip & party beforehand.....spoiled rich bitch....sorry, but people like her who think they are above the law because of who they are just chap my ass....

  • I guess her fan club is starting a petition to pardon her which cracks me up. Mostly because she actually has a fan club. :hahahahaha18: I heard some comedian say that along with her jail clothing she'll be given 3 pairs of panties a week, so she should be thrilled because it's 3 more than she's used to! :hmmm22: 

  • Jail is a place you will wish you were past menopause (unless you already are?)... As there is one factor that makes the bathroom situation even more... disturbing

  • I think Paris should go to jail, and her
    mother should go for the way she behaved
    in court, but Nicole cant go cause she could
    just slip thru the bars and get out:sillygrin28:

  • I loved reading the little petition she posted...this girl really is "simple."  I wonder, did she ever go to school????

  • haha--great piece.  I don;t exactly know how to feel about Paris' being in jail--but sadness is not it.  Thanks for visiting my site and leaving a comment.  I like your place--I'm subbing :)

  • i guess i'm out of it -- why is paris hilton going to jail??

    and in CA, you can pay to go to 'nice' jail. pretty sick...

  • Before I finished reading what you wrote, I was thinking they will either give her "time served" or put her somewhere like Martha Stewart was.  She will think she is staying at the Hilton.

    I am TOTALLY with you on the sleeping thing.  Do they give inmates ambien? If I were the jailer, I would give ALL the inmates a 10 mg Ambien with each meal! :nap32:

  • I'm sure she'll be going to one of those posh jails. Soon all the minor celebrities will be breaking laws so they can go to jail too.

  • I would aim for the solitary confinement too......oh my goodness....I didn't realize you knew Bertha too!  I'm sure Paris won't be going to "regular" jail like the rest of us poor schmucks...... Instead of Big Bertha....they probably have Big Tiffany or Big Ashley....

  • I just read your fat pants post....and I couldn't agree more!!  If you are thrown in jail for breaking the dress code....I'll put in a good word with Bertha for you ....tee hee

  • Great post!!  I would give you stars,  but I don't know how it works yet!??

    yes,  aside from the bad food, bad Bertha's,  and cockroaches,  the worst for me would be constipation because no way could I go in front of others!  I don't even like to go when there are stalls around me in the women's room if  I think someone can hear it!  So I hold it til everyone starts flushing!:sillygrin28:

    I don't think I would like the hole either,  because isn't it a dry toilet?  yucky!.................I wonder if Paris will get a jailhouse tat?:hmmm22:

  • As long as I have a means of writing, I think I would be okay... (I know... I write that after just posting the rant I posted?)  But if you put me in a padded cell, and I had no other choice, and couldn't see out anyway, then as long as I had some way to write, it'd keep me from completely losing my mind.

  • I could never survive jail, they would take away my knitting needles. ~ mom

  • :tipsy31: She needs to do the time; I agree that if Arnie pardons her, his political career is in the shitcan. Maybe this will help sober her up-she needs her license yanked and if caught again, sent away for the max! Suck it up Paris and be an adult-OMG, what a concept :hmmm22:
    RYC: thanks for stopping by! :hug27:

  • Dear Laura,

    I don't follow "celebrity news" (I will if I ever become a celebrity perhaps). However, I do read the newspaper and I have internet access. I've been joking all week at work that somebody will use the phrase "simple life" when referring to Paris' time in the cooler.

    I've spent a few weekends in jail. My "crime" was, get this, driving with a suspended license. It was in those crazy 70s, when I was about Paris' age. I knew what I was doing, and I knew I was breaking the law. Besides the suspension, I was pulled over because I was driving drunk. (I certainly do not condone driving under the influence of alcohol, and I would never do that now) The lady cop who pulled me over was a rookie, and she "busted her cherry" by arresting me. When I was paraded before the desk at Parker Center in downtown L.A. the other cops cheered for her. I was booked  spent a night in stir, and was released the next day. When the court date arrived, I told the judge I would pay any amount, just total it up and let me go. He didn't like my attitude and consigned me to prison. Weekend jail wasn't so bad. It was more like a dorm or an army barracks. The main room had plenty of double decker beds. I spent most of my time reading a Stephen King novel. There were no altercations, or riots, or even an echo. Most of my fellow "inmates" were either cokeheads or drunks like me, who were doing their civic duty.

    I hope Paris doesn't get her (or her Mom's) way. She has a website "freeparis.org" selling mugs and tshirts. She has a MySpace account. (Only 197 friends when I last looked) She's asking Arnold to "teminate" her sentence. Frankly, lock the bi*ch up. She didn't have her "handlers" around to tell her it was illegal to drive without a license. (for the second or third time, at that) Doesn't she have a limo driver? She's filthy rich.

    In the past decade or so, O.J. Michael Jackson, and Robert Blake have been let off the hook in L.A. celebrity trials. On Paris' website, it mentions that Gerald Ford let Nixon off the hook, and he perpetrated far greater "crimes" than she. I hope she hangs on the hook like a side of beef. Oh, sorry, she's too skinny to be a side of beef. Let's say a stick of beef jerky instead.

    Ah, the simple life indeed.

    Thanks for dropping by my blog. It's always neat to get a comment from you.

    Michael F. Nyiri, poet, philosopher, fool

  • I hope Paris gets out of it.

  • I would try for solitary confinement too.  Either that or I'd walk around with a pillowcase full of soda cans like in that old Sean Penn movie.

  • i think your plan for paris is perfect! tho i suspect that w/o an audience, she'll die!

  • Paris should really read your blog!

    ryc: the peacock channel:bubblegum36:

  • i think that is the best thing i have read in a while.

    ill be sure to tell paris your tips next time i see her.

  • no problem. :)

  • Thanks for the laughs. I needed to laugh :woohoo19: :woohoo19: :woohoo19: :woohoo19:! I think Nicole and Paris together is a brilliant idea. I am sure the other inmates would be glad to take Nicole and Paris' food. We know they won't eat and passing notes is smart too. You really should pitch this idea to a network. In fact you should probably take it off your post before someone steals your great idea and makes a ton of money off of it.

    Hugs, Tricia :sunflowers26:

  • i can't use the bathroom in front of others, either.

    ryc: thanks!! i hope i still have them after my surery. if not, i hope jeffry will spring for a new pair.

  • You had trouble peeing in front of your cat????  When I was young my grandparents took the 3 grandkids on several very LONG driving trips and there was no stopping every 10 mins so one of us could pee, so we used a coffee can!!! :sillygrin28:  Needless to say I can pee about anywhere, but that doesn't mean I want to try out jail!!! :hmmm22:  ryc: camping was good... going back Fri nite and staying until Mon - maybe I'll have time to post again soon... guess you figured out that I don't post often anyway! :bubblegum36:  So you play Bunko too?  I'll be busy tomorrow cooking and getting ready for it!  Hope you enjoy your day tomorrow! :sunflowers26:

  • :blur6:

  • Ha-survival tips for jail-pretty good.  :)   I would suggest hand sanitizer. Try not to aggravate the other inmates. Definitely refrain some saying, "That's hot."  

  • ryc: she(Kathy Hilton) sat in court while
    the judge was talking and made snide comments
    to/at him, and he did nothing. He should have
    held her in contempt. I just cant stand someone
    who thinks they are better than someone else.
    Phew, thanks for letting me get that out:sillygrin28:

  • HERE is a link to story on Kathy
    Hilton

  • My, my you are so critical of Paris. I don't think she will have a problem in prison especially with the toilet functions. I hear she is practicing peeing in public to get ready.

  • I definitely think having to go Number 2 in jail would even be worse than having to go number 1.  I definitely would have a problem!  But after time, at least that would get me into the infirmary for being all plugged up.  lol.

    The band The Exies has a Throw Paris In Prison petition on their myspace site.  It's funny.

    http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=4820640

    I'll try to cut and past the bulletin they sent out.  I apologize if it gets all garbly.

    <TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="mso-cellspacing: 1.5pt; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184" cellPadding=0 border=0>
    <TBODY>
    <TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes">
    <TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; WIDTH: 465.5pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" width=621>
    Petition to keep Paris Hilton in jail and out of pop culture

    <TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 1; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes">
    <TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; WIDTH: 465.5pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" width=621>
    Hey everyone, we started a petition to keep Paris Hilton in jail. Why are we making a point of this? Because we made a record based on this very idea. THIS is A Modern Way Of Living With The Truth. Void of responsibility, refusal as a society to accept responsibility, to place blame on everyone else but ourselves and catering to celebrity.

    1. She had her license suspended due to driving under the influence.
    2. Pulled over by a CHP officer a second time.
    3. Pulled over by a LA County Sheriff a third time.
    4. Showed up late for her court date.

    She's not above the the law, she broke laws that anyone else would be punished for and shouldn't get a free pass just because of her celebrity. She's rich enough to have a limo take her anywhere she wants. Her blatant disregard and to think that she's above it all is disgusting, so guess what bitch? Welcome to OZ! Paris is just the latest in a long line of rich, talentless, socialites who are famous for nothing. So click on the banner on our page and keep Paris in jail!

  • They're going to have to stick her somewhere far away from the others.  I can just imagine her giving somebody one of those snotty looks and ending up with a broken nose.  LOL.
    But she'll be going to the country club jail though, won't she?  I've no idea.

  • Good morning Laura, I cant imagine anyone thinking negative toward you.

    Your a xanga friend, and nothing less.

  • I was thinking about Martha when I saw pics of the jail cell that Paris would be getting. There were a lot of decoration spoofs on how Martha would dress up her jail cell...I don't think Paris would be capable of that. She is rather gutsy though and I can see her using the toilet in front of her roomie...and then saying, "That's hot!"

  • I agree, jail would suck. I hope you never have to experience that, me too! Here's a picture of Paris. :tipsy31:

  • If that were you or me, we wouldn't have the option to wine! :hot21:

  • If you think about it, jail in this country is like Club Med for anyone living in poverty or in the 3rd world countries that are war ravaged or run by totalitarian/dictatorial governments. I wonder how many of those people would do anything to switch places with Paris' jail time.

  • What she should do is accept her punishment and do her little bit of time. Martha Stewart was in jail longer than that and she survived. Plus think about Lil' Kim, she did almost 100 days and walked in with her head held high. Paris Hilton is a punk.

  • So what happens to your bills while you're away?  Like the charge cards and stuff?

    I could probably do solitary confinement better than bars...my productivity at work has better than doubled since they put me in an office rather than out in the open space.  Although I was actually forced to be sociable this week twice during lunch.  A woman who has been trying to get me to go to lunch with her for 12 years finally got me out!  It was actually enjoyable...I ate outdoors (another avoidance of mine) and enjoyed it too.  I'm rambling, but anyway Happy Mother's Day!!!

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