May 17, 2007

• Vacation from hell

  It's time for a Featured Grown up entry

  This is a re -post of one of my very first xanga entries.

  It's kind of long, but I didn't feel like writing a whole new vacation story when I already had one. Besides, I am busy all weekend with graduation.
  

  So here it is slightly edited.

  One of my many vacations from hell.
  

  
  

  My ex husband ( exspunge) and I have totally different ideas of what a
  vacation is. First of all he does not believe in planning anything. 
  You just get in the car and drive.  Secondly, he is cheap.  He likes to
  camp. I don't mind camping, I am not the priss like many of my friends.  But I have certain conditions on what makes camping bearable.

   
  First of all, I have a sleep disorder, I have had this disorder since
  birth.  I need to have my own tent, and it needs to be very quiet and
  dark.  I also like to go to a campground with hotel like amenities such
  as a pool, game room, store, and spa (well I guess I can live without the spa ). 

  So about six years ago, out of the blue as usual,  Exspunge says " hey, lets just
  take off tonight on a road trip".  My heart sinks, this is the last
  thing I want to do, if I say no, I am a big drag.  So I say " wait,
  tonight? tonight when?" He says, "Tonight, we can leave around
  midnight, I am going to pack up the car, take a nap and we can take
  off".
  

  On further investigation I learn nothing.  He does not know
  where we are going, or what we are going to do.  I am informed that on
  a real road trip you just take off and play it by ear.  So he packs up
  the car with the camping gear and goes to sleep.  It is like 7:00 pm. 
  I know there is no way I can sleep now and no way I can sleep in the
  car. So I do some positive self talk " you can do this, it is one
  weekend, just go with it, etc..

  So midnight comes and we are off.  The kids have arranged themselves
  in the back of the van with minimal fighting and are soon sound
  asleep.  I try to get comfortable in the front seat of the van.  I put
  the seat back and scrunch my pillow and " lay down".  My body is
  exhausted, I wait for sleep to come.

  Nothing, nada, my brain is wide
  awake.  My brain betrays my body and will not shut down. Three hours
  later I offer to drive.
  

  This is probably a bad idea, I am so tired,
  but I offer anyway.  Being clueless, he agrees.  Within 10 min.
  everyone is asleep and then it happens.  The mother of all storms.

  
    I am exhausted, have night blindness, and can't see squat anyway
  because it is raining so hard. I just hug the right side of the
  road and grip the steering wheel for an hour.  When I can't take it
  anymore, I wake Exspunge up and ask him to take over.  I also beg him to
  stop, it is 4:00 am. now.

    He says ok and pulls into a Holiday Inn.  Oh
  yes, happy days are here again, thank you God.  When he comes out 2
  min. later my heart sinks, OMG are they booked?  No!  Say it isn't so. 
  Nope, plenty of room, he decides it is not worth it to pay $65.00 for a
  few hours, we are moving on.  WTF $65.00 is NOTHING for a hotel room,
  and he knew it was going to cost money when he teased me by pulling
  in.

    He does agree we should stop though, and pulls into a rest stop. 
  It is now 4:30 am.  Now under a bright light at a scummy rest stop, my
  whole family is sound asleep again.  I tell Matt he needs to trade
  places with me so I can sleep.  Now I am crammed into a tiny little
  seat in the back of the van.  Again, nothing.   I need to find
  someone to stab because I am on the verge of murdering my whole family
  and I decide a stranger would be be better.   So I wander around the
  rest stop,  it is empty, not even a trucker in sight.  That is because
  they are all sound asleep at the f'ing Holiday Inn.  I think of
  imaginative ways to do away with Expunge and then I cry.  When they finally
  wake up at 6:00 am. they find me wandering aimlessly around the rest
  stop, alternately pulling my hair out and crying.  Exspunge says " wow babe,
  have you been out here the whole time? "
  

  I am too tired to kill him. 
  When we stop for breakfast 7:30 am.  I opt to stay in the car and sleep
  even though I am starving.  Finally sleep comes. 9:00 am. we are at our
  destination a national  park in some state that eludes me now..  Of
  course since we did not make reservations our site is miles from the
  one store or any body of water.  There are also like two little trees
  on our site the rest is barren.  Exspunge asks the kids what they want to do
  and they ask if they can go to six flags for the day.  Being the
  spontaneous guy he is, he says sure.
  

  I tell him there is no way in
  hell I am going to Six Flags, I am staying at the camp site and
  sleeping.  So he sets up my tent and tells me we have some provisions
  in the cooler but not much, he will bring stuff back.  I don't care I
  need sleep.
  

  Well, after the rain it is like 100 degrees and humid.   I
  climb in the tent and I am roasting even with the little windows
  open. Zombie like I drag my sleeping bag under the little tree with an
  inch of shade.  I don't care that I look like a crazy escapee from the
  asylum.  I am way past the point of embarrassment.  I begin to drift
  off when the inch of shade moves and the bugs begin crawling all over
  me.  Fine, I will eat then.  Oh, thank you Mr. I will pack some food
  and we can get the rest when we get there.  There is one pop ( soda ), a can of
  sardines ( yuck) an apple and crackers.
  

  Again, WTF.  So, I decide to
  ask the neighbors how far the store is,  I stagger  up to their camp
  site and from the expressions on their faces I know I don't look good 
  " hi, I'm your new neighbor over there, can you tell me where the
  nearest store is?"  The old man says " Bout ten miles down the road,
  probably ran into it when ya'll drove in".  I wait for the old lady to
  take pity on me, tell me I look awful, and would I like to nap in their
  air conditioned  trailer, oh and while I am napping she will make me a
  nice lunch.  She just stares at me. 
  

  Ten hours later my family
  comes back. They went out to dinner but he has brought breakfast for
  the morning and some lunch meat and water.  I scarf down the lunch meat
  like an animal and crawl into the tent.  Just then our new
  neighbors show up.  Oh yippe, it is a brownie troupe.      When they
  sang " someone's crying my lord kumbyyah"  I was thinking " you bet I am."  
  I think I have slept a total of 3 hours so far. 

  Next day: Exspunge makes a really good breakfast, so despite the
  annoying brownie troupe I am resolved to have a better day.  I am
  informed the agenda for today is a family rafting trip.  He has bought
  each of us our own little raft.  I will swim the river rather than stay
  here alone again, so I try to act enthused.  So we set off on the
  river.

    At first it is sort of nice, we are drifting along and I am not
  having to do much rowing, cool, I can relax.  Well, I am so relaxed when
  we come to a fork in the river my raft goes one way and the family goes
  another.  Exspunge yells" don't worry honey we will all end up at the same
  place". " Bye mom" the kids yell," see ya at the end. "
  

  Fine, I will
  have some alone reflecting time.  Three hours later, I am burnt to a
  crisp and freaking out.  Where is the end?  What if he was wrong, what
  if I am stuck on this river forever.  Help!  And, can I be sea sick or
  is it sun poison?
  

  Obviously I did get to the end.  My family was
  on the shore eating sandwiches and laying around.  Matt says " What
  took you so long, we have been here for hours?"  I wonder how much jail
  time I will get for drowning him? 

  Day three:  Day three is hiking through caves and trails.  I have
  brought my ratty tennis shoes.  I am definitely sun burned.  The
  brownie troupe was in rare form last night.  I think I have slept
  a total of 6 hours so far. Lets just say the day ended with massive
  blisters, pealing skin, and extreme nausea.

  I try and stay home now as much as possible, in my room.  I have a traveling curse as some of you already know, so I prefer to just hang out right here.
  

   

  • 10:50 pm
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