January 2, 2010

• Lovers Lane a seXual entry

  For all you visual people, sorry no pictures today.  And that's a shame since this entry is seXual in nature.  You all will just have to be satisfied with my descriptive writing.

  The whole thing started with my friend Sharon ( not her real name). Recently Sharon and I have done a few things together that have caused people to question our sexuality.  The first thing we did was go to The Sybaris, a hotel for lovers only, so that she could book a room for her and her husband Wayne's ( not his real name ) anniversary. 

  The first thing I noticed there was a thing called the Wedge.  The Wedge is a giant pillow shaped like a wedge.  Let me just say, you can buy a wedge pillow for twenty bucks at Walmart and use it for things like reading in bed etc...  This Wedge however, was around $100.00 and used for sexual purposes.  Person one lays on the wedge so that person two has good angles to " do" person one. 

  I'll be the first to admit that although I am 49 years old, I am very immature when it comes to sex.  So the first thing I do is laugh.  Then I say loudly, " Sharon, check out this way too expensive wedge".  " How stupid is this ? " Just use regular pillows for free. "  Sharon turns beet red because she is very innocent and sheltered and it took a lot for her to even book the Sybaris.  She says " uh huh."  So then, not letting it go, I say, " No seriously, do NOT let Wayne buy this wedge, you could just lay on your stomach like the girl in the picture is doing, with regular pillows.  "$100.00, wow, what a rip off, really Sharon, trust me, you be creative, your already dropping enough money here." I am pretty sure that although I mentioned Wayne a few times, the clerk still thought we were a couple.  Which was fine by me since I am gay friendly.

  After the whole Sybaris thing, Sharon and I are very comfortable with people thinking we are lesbians, which is a good thing, since when she took me house hunting, the realtor definitely thought we were a couple.  Even though I made it clear the house would be just for me, she kept trying to figure out what Sharon had to do with it.  She finally decided I wanted to live near Sharon and we just let her think whatever she wanted.

  Now that Sharon and I are an unofficial couple, and she has spent a night at the Sybaris with Wayne, ( they didn't buy the wedge), she has decided I am her go to girl for all things sexual.

  So she calls me yesterday to inform me that Lovers Lane, the nearby sex store is having a fifty percent off sale and wonders if I want to go with her.  I am totally up for it, one because I need a distraction from the fact that expunge brought the skanky, weathered, lady friend, over that morning, and second, because I am fun.

  " Can I bring my camera?"  I ask.  She says no because she has not taken a shower, but I know that's not why.  I decide it will still be fun, even if I can't take pictures.

  The first thing Sharon and I do is head over to the dildo/vibrator section even though neither of us are planning on buying one.  This is mostly because the place is really busy, and no one is in this section. 

  I am prepared to get rid of any pushy clerk, since the last time I was there a couple years ago, they were VERY forward and really tried to sell me on huge vibrators and other expensive toys.  And even though I made it clear I wasn't interested, they still pushed.

  Fortunately for us, this time, they are busy with "real" customers, who are not immature and not sheltered or shy. 

  Personally, I am shocked at peoples openness.  The sales clerks were discussing orgasms and penetration with people, like you would discuss the virtues of a new car.  It's just very disconcerting when one is laughing about a giant Afro - American Whooper with Balls, and you hear right next to you "  This is guaranteed to give her wonderful orgasms if used correctly."  And the customer looks fascinated and not at all embarrassed.

  While we are talking about how the testicles didn't seem to be a necessary component to the Afro -American Whooper with Balls fake penis, I get a call.  It just happens to be my friend and my kid's former choir director, Tom ( not his real name).  " OMG, it's Tom, I am totally telling him how you dragged me here"  I say to Sharon.  Tom seems taken aback when I tell him Sharon and I are at Lovers Lane looking at Whoopers.  He also seems to be confused as to why they are open on New Years Day, why they are having a sale, and more importantly why we are there."  Even though I practically yell into the phone that Sharon is actually holding the African American Whooper, as we speak, he still seems confused as to why we are there and asks if " isn't Sharon Lutheran?", which she confirmed as being the case.  Apparently, Lutherans are not usually shopping for a fake black penis, or anything similar to one. 

  After it is made clear that Tom is NOT interested in how Sharon won't buy Wayne a little leather skirt covering for his wee wee ( I told you I'm immature), I get off the phone. 

  I am annoyed that I don't have my camera, since I want Sharon to take a picture of me playing on the swing, with stirrups, apparatus, that is hanging in the middle of the store.  I'm not sure how to use it, or what it's for, but it looks kind of fun, and definitely profile picture worthy. 

  I almost bought some oils that had pheromones in them, but we couldn't figure out if they were meant to attract males or females.  Although as I said, I am gay friendly, I didn't want to waste five bucks on something that would have women swarming all over me.  Besides, I thought they smelled horrible and didn't understand how they could make one a "sexual magnet."  Sharon agreed.  The most I would attract with the oils would be a mangy dog, and that would be pushing it.

  Sharon ended up getting some good, smelling, massage oils, which Tom pointed out could be bought at a non sex store.  However, he seems to have missed the whole sale aspect and the fact that looking at giant Afro - American, Whoopers with Balls is the only way to start the New Year off.

  Some people don't know what they're missing.

   

   

  • 9:52 pm
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