January 19, 2011

• My Big Fat Mother Of The Bridal Expo

  A few weeks ago, Jennie asked if I would like to attend a Bridal expo, with her and her cousin ( also  engaged).  I agreed, because that's what mothers of the brides do, even though, if truth me told, I had a bad feeling about it.  Part of the bad feeling was due to the fact that the wedding is two years off, so I envisioned 100's of Bridal Expos in my future.  And unless it was as fun as Disney World, I had no interest in Bridal Expo hopping.   Instinctively, I knew this would not be my dream of a fun time.  The other reservation was the fact that I had recent, removal of my uterus surgery, and thought it might be too much excitement.

  However, I could never have envisioned what it turned out to be.

  In my fantasy, my niece, ( or ex niece to be technical since she is expelled's bio niece), Jennie, and I would enter a huge room.  In the room there would be some tables, most would have Hors d'œuvre's, and giant pieces of cake.  Maybe a chicken dish, or beef, and small alcohol shots to taste.  Then there would be hundreds of bridal gowns to look at and perhaps try on. It would end with a fabulous, short, fashion show ( 15 min tops), with affordable gowns, all ones I loved.  Of course during the food tasting portion I would be relaxing at a beautiful table, and enjoying a nice glass of wine.  Everything would be expensive and the best of the best, but we wouldn't commit to anything because it would be unaffordable.

  The reality, was slightly different.  We arrive at a hotel and get in a very long line of FAT no, actually, obese brides to be.  How do I know the fat girls were the brides to be?  Well, they all wore a clever sticker that said VIB.  Not VIFB, because not all the brides to be were fat, only 90 percent of them.  Please don't misunderstand.  I am all for fat girls or big girls finding love, it was just off putting that so many brides to be had a weight issue.  And not just a weight issue, but there was also an unattractive issue, and a tacky issue.  I almost took pictures to prove the lack of exaggeration, but it became too obvious. So you will have to take my word for it.

  

  Here are the VIB's, Jennie and Autumn.  They are not fat or unattractive.  We are waiting in line.  I am already getting pains in my incisions.  

   

  

   

  I thought it was exciting they got little gift bags.  I was hoping that was where they woud put the expensive chocolates and maybe free skin care products.  They were told they needed to have 90% of the vendors sign their cards in order to win an amazing honeymoon.  Little did I know, the vendor tables would be crammed next to each other in a line, with the fat, unattractive, tacky, brides pushing their fat asses in, crowding the rest of us out. 

   

  

   

  One of the first vendor tables was one of many photography tables, I liked this one, and am hoping Matt does this at Jennie's wedding, or at his own.  I am pretty sure he could, he has skills like that.

   

  

   

  These Limo's are crazy.  And I don't think I like them.  There is nothing wrong with an old fashioned stretch limo.  I see no reason to ruin a good thing.

   

   

   

  Jennie may be interested in having her bridesmaids wear all white.  She wanted me to take this to prove that it could look good, especially in the winter.  Of course this is not in the winter, but Jennie likes the idea of all white.  Maybe.  A couple people have rejected the idea, and Jennie is not good at making up her own mind.

  At this point in the expo, I am hungry and tired and not doing well standing up in one spot. Fat girls are pushing their way in to get cards signed and vendors keep asking if you have your DJ. yet?  Do you have a photographer, an ice sculpter, a photo booth, a dancing bear and everything else you need to have the wedding of your dream?  It has been an hour at least and I need to walk, and then hopefully sit down.  I decide to walk ahead.  I found a chair

  

  But I instinctively knew this was an example chair and they would not want me sitting in it, although trust me I was close.

   

  And where was the food and booze?  I keep walking, finally I come to this,

   

   

  
  

   

   

  It's about time.  I wonder how many I can take without looking like a pig.  I take one and swallow it whole, then I act like I didn't really care for it, and I needed to try another flavor.  They ask where my bride is, since I don't have a VIB sticker on, and I am old, and old brides don't go to Bridal expo's, and now I know why.  I tell them she is getting her card signed by the horse and carriage people, but that I was being given the responsibility of choosing the cake and I quickly grabbed another one and move on.  

  Then, and I am not kidding, I am accosted by a Chiropractor booth.  Why they were there, I don't know, but after filling out a form honestly admitting I have insomnia, depression, anxiety, diabetes, learning disabilities, irritability, constipation, diarrhea, back problems, pms, menopause and an occasional cold, I learn my balance is off.  I listen to a lecture on the spine, showing the irritability symptom more and more as they are lecturing me.  I am offered a twenty dollar consultation, which I learn is a huge deal, since it normally costs three million dollars or something like that.  I impolitely decline and keep on towards my quest for food and rest,

   

  
  

  Thank goodness I found these, but they seemed annoyed when I took three, so I moved along and found an empty room where the fashion show was to take place.

  Th girls were still behind, with the fatties, and I was wondering if Jennie was attacked by the chiropractor. She does walk unbalanced, and I was sure he would notice.

  

   

  I waited for the girls here for another hour.  I was very disappointed there was no chicken and rice or mini martini's.  Finally it is time for the fashion show.

  

   

  Here is our long winded and annoying announcer.

   

  

   

  We also have our unattractive, gay, designer, who dances with a model bride and it's odd.

   

  

  This was nice, but really with our crowd we needed

  

  Something more along the lines of this

  
  

  or this

  
  

   

  
  

  I took these

  

  

  

  because these were

  some more of Jennie's possible interest in bridesmaid dresses.  But who knows, in a year and a half they could be yellow with black stripes.

   

   

   

  I took a picture of this because, this would be something pretty at a winter wedding and we could totally make this ourselves.  It seems silly to pay $100.00 for something you could make for $20.00 tops.  I mean really?  I could make that and I am challenged, due to my spine unbalance or imbalance or whatever.

   

  Autumn is having a Cancun destination wedding, so she really didn't benefit from the expo at all.  And neither of them won a prize, and I was really hoping for the Ice Sculpture win.

   I did get a call the other day saying I won $300.000 towards hair removal.  I told them, I would redeem it if I had a mustache in two years when my daughters wedding was to take place.

  I don't think they will be calling back.  

   

  I will continue my mother of the bride blogs as we go along.  When Jennie is old, and tired, and menopausal, and she wants to look back on all the fun that proceeded her marriage to the guy who will be probably be known by names other than Jeff, she can read these blogs.  

  I know she will thank me one day.

  
  

  • 8:32 am
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