March 30, 2011

• What I did on " Spring" break

  First can I say that anyone from the Chicago area knows that " Spring" break is no Spring.  There are no budding tulips, no Spring air, no warm April Showers ( just cold rain).  No topless, girls and keg stands on beaches.   What we do have is above zero but not much, around 34 degrees, and cutting wind.  

  So it's my first official day of Spring break and since I lose one week, of an already low salary, I am staying in the Chicago suburbs.  Humm, what to do?  My usual routine would be, try to sleep in, 7:00 am. maybe, catch up on hours of DVD while eating continuously, read my current book, nap for two hours, rent an over priced Comcast movie, text and talk on the phone while still eating continuously .  Go to bed after ordering a giant Pizza for one and having one slice left over.

  This time I thought I would be adventurous and ( insert scary music here) move my body.  This is because Expelled may be bringing you know who to Matt's graduation in May and I need to lose 30 pounds.  Yes, I realize that is a somewhat unrealistic goal, however it needs to be done.  

  I have already burned 20 calories on a stupid, Wii dance game, and since that is less than one tablespoon of fake butter, I realize I need to do something else.  I decide to walk.  

  I could walk around my neighborhood. I have never walked or even really seen the neighborhood since my little complex is near the main road, but I decide I could get lost.  There are trails around here, I am pretty sure, but that would require google and driving, and I need to go now while I have motivation.  So I decide to walk from my new home town to my old home town. 

  While driving it doesn't seem too far, and since I have decided to tell NO ONE, I figure I can always change my mind.

  I have no idea how long this ordeal takes so the times below may not be what they really were.  

  The first half hour:  I am walking briskly down the road.  There is not much of a shoulder to speak of and I often have to dash through green lights in order to avoid being smashed to bits.  I am feeling good, even somewhat warm since I bundled up and wore my fake Uggs with the fur inside, instead of any kind of walking shoes.  I am positive I can at least make it to rt. 111, ( not a real rt) which seems like that is half way there.  

  The second half hour:  I am still feeling ok, but it's sort of chilly.  I am really not happy about the gravel/rocky shoulder of the road, and the fake Uggs are pretty uncomfortable.  I am excited I have made it past Rt. 111, but think I may turn around soon. I am bored so I look at my cell phone and see that I have a text from my friend John ( real name ).  John has been annoyingly, relentless about me working out.  You know the type, they quit smoking, now everyone needs to quit, it causes Cancer, it's disgusting.   They find Jesus, you need to find Jesus too, you are lost and Hell bound and you need to hurry.   They get in shape, you need to get in shape too.  The text isn't about getting in shape, but I am proud to have gotten off the couch, so I text back to his " Hi" ,

  "  Hi, I am walking to my old home town".  He does not believe me and so I assure him that this is the case.  Technically, I am not far from my old home town, because for some reason it goes from my new town to old town to new town and back again.  But when he asks where I am going in my old town I say Target.  Target is about 5 or six more miles but I don't really realize that.  I have an ok pace going so I stop texting and really try and pick up the speed.

  Third half hour:  I am really tired and sick of this walk.  A blister is starting to form from the Uggs, and the rocks and the jumping over mud puddles.  The view on this walk sucks, there are barron trees, mud puddles, and open, brown farm land.  The wind is picking up, especially when I am by open, brown, farm land.  An old man has pulled over and offered me a ride.  Through my runny, and I'm sure very red nose, I decline.  I was very tempted though and almost risked being kidnapped and chopped up in little pieces. I want to stop the madness, but I told John I could do this so I had to. Besides turning around seemed just as far.  I figured when I got to Target, a friend would pick me up and drive me home.

   

  Fourth half hour:  My fingers are numb despite the fact I have leather gloves on.  I see mirages of McDonalds and Burger King.  I fantasize about laying on the patch of grass off the side of the road and sleeping forever.  The blister is really hurting now.  I am starting to twist my ankle several times on the rocks because I can no longer pay attention.  Cars whiz by, no one offers to pick  me up, even though I am now vering into traffic.  Several cops have passed and not one has told me it against the law to walk on two lane roads.  I keep thinking I am almost there and then I'm not.   I almost call someone to come get me, but then I remember judgmental John.  I weigh the pros and cons of lying to John and decide I can't.  I pray for one of the cops to insist I get in their car, even if they end up taking me to the mental institution.  They don't.

  Fifth half hour:  My face is burning from the cold wind.  The manure smell is making me sick but the target is within my sight.  I start giving myself pep talks.  "  You can do this, what about the guy in the cave who cut off his own arm to escape?"  This is very similar." " You are strong Laura, the Target is right there, just a mile or so away"  " It's true, there is no more shoulder, because of construction, but who cares, what about people stuck in mine shafts and wells and caves?" " They survive."

  Sixth half hour:  I give up, I go to a church and lay down in front of the door.  I think this might be the time for me to find Jesus, but first I call a friend who lives near by.  Let me tell you this was no easy task.  I have to pry my frozen fingers from the hardened, leather glove and attempt to dial by touch screen.  As I am doing this I think " screw John and his working out, who is he to judge me, I don't HAVE to go to Target, and besides I practically did, so I am not lying, I hate him, this is all his fault.  This is no longer about looking good for stupid expelled's girl friend, she probably doesn't even notice I'm fat, because he probably showed her my REALLY fat pictures and they agreed that wasn't attractive. "  My friend answers and this is how it goes,

  Me:  Omg, pant, pant, laugh, please tell me you are home.

  friend:  No, I'm sorry I'm not, we are on our way to daughters concert in Wisconsin, why?  Are you ok?

  Me:  No, omg, laugh hysterically and sort of cry, I did something really dumb, I tried to walk to Target from my house, I am now at the Church by your house, I need to go home.

  After much laughter and sharing my insanity with her husband, whom I apparently never cease to amaze, she offers to have her son illegally drive and pick me up and bring me to their house.  I am tempted, but no, it's ok.  I can make it to Target and find someone else, or sleep in the home ware section of Target.

  Getting up was not easy, but I did it and continued to walk about five feet down the road, I call friend number two and three, neither are available to come get me, but friend number three says, " What is wrong with you?" "  Next time walk on a trail or something" "  Why did you do this?"

   I don't know why, and I don't care, I just want to go home.  This is much worse than the guy who's arm is stuck between bolders.  No one has suffered the way I am suffering now.  I say a lot of expletives in regards to John, the whole thing can be directly traced back to him. I know he will admonish me for not making it to Target and I plan on ways to kill him when that happens.  

  Then I remember friend number four and five, they actually live near here too.  Friend Four will judge me so I hope he doesn't answer, he does

  Him:  Hello

  Me: Hey, pant, pant, 

  Him:  Hey Laura, what's up?

  Me:  Is friend five there?  ( thinking, just let me talk to friend five she will save me)

  Him: ( sort of put off) sure hold on

  Friend five gets on and I say, " Hey you know how I'm insane?"  we both laugh and she says, "yes," I am not even insulted and am laughing from delirium now.  I explain the situation and she agrees to get me right away.  It turns out I am 0.5 miles from Target when she picks me up.  She has to pull me into her car.  She does not judge me out loud, and actually acts like this is something I would always do.  She decides to clock the miles home and it ends up being over seven miles.  

  In the last fifteen years or more the most I have walked is about 1/2 a mile.  And that is with stopping.  

  When John hears of story he does say " you should have just walked the rest of the way"  But he also acts like I was stupid for trying so many miles day one, and is taking no responsibility for his part in this.  He has the nerve to tell me to find a treadmill and walk a half an hour to start.  He does not seem proud at all, after his blathering on and on about how great and important it is to work out.  And frankly he is giving me mixed messages. 

  I am pretty sure I look the same as I did before the walk and now have lost all desire to lose the 30 pounds.  John, and expelled's girlfriend can just deal with me the way I am.  

  The past couple days of " Spring" break I have finished a book and started a new one.  I have eaten a lot, but really enjoyed it.  I watched Nurse Jackie and only have about 10 Oprah episodes to go on DVR.

   This is so much more like it.  If I can't be on a beach in Florida, I will spend the rest if "Spring" break right here inside my humble abode. 

  
  

  
  

  • 9:24 pm
  • 14 Comments