April 3, 2011

• The Boob

  Before I get to the boob, I need to give a back story.  Last month my friend Diane ( I can use her real name because it's not her boob) was really bitching about what a jerk her husband was. Her 50th birthday was March 2nd and apparently he got her a balloon from the grocery store and a card.  Something lame like that.  Originally, she was going to rent a villa in Italy for her 50th and take first come first serve friends and all they had to do was pay for air fare.  When she was bitching about her husband, I was nice, and didn't mention that she was pretty disappointing too, since I was counting on the Italy trip.  I didn't have air fare in March but that really isn't the point.  Anyway, I was a good friend and listened to her complain, even though I knew her husband was throwing her a month belated surprise party.  And I was actually thinking that expelled would not have made a big deal about my 50th had I been with him and she should appreciate her ballon. 

  So it's party day and my only option was to go with another couple, which happened to be John and Isaac ( it's not their boob either, so I can use real names).  I mean I could have gone with my daughter I guess, or someone else's husband, umm I mean wife, but that seemed kind of depressing.  That's the hard part about being single in a couples world, who do you bring to parties where all your friends are married?  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that I got to keep the friends in the divorce, but it's still a dilemma.  

  Anyway, a photo was taken of John, Diane, and myself.  I crouched down even though John offered to stand up.  I don't like pictures where John is standing up by me because he is so tall and I am so short.  That's another problem I have, I seem to have a LOT of tall friends.  This sucks when you are walking places and you have to practically run to keep up with them.  The tall friends never get it and take their long legged strides without even considering how hard it is for a shot legged, out of shape person, to keep up.  Rude! Sorry didn't mean to go off track and rant. So the photo is taken and omg.

  First, I look fatter than I am ( at least I hope I am not getting that chubby again) due to the angle etc... and John and Diane look great. F them right?  I mean seriously who wants to be the fat, short one, in an attractive tall person photo.  But then and here is the worst , my boob was practically all the way out. I mean my shirt is like all the way off on one side. It looks like the nipple is going to appear, but I don't think that was possible since I had a bra on.  It also seems like I was rubbing my boob up against John, causing the falling out thing, and let me assure you, I wasn't!  I mean yes, action has been slow in the boob department, but I'm not that desperate, YET.  So what to do?  John and Diane tell me it's not bad at all, because they look good and want it posted.  They don't say that's why, but I'm not stupid.  Isaac agrees it's not that bad, but I can tell he's lying.  But he offers to fix it if I send it to him.  Well unfortunately, the boob and mistake are so big he comes up with this

   

  

  I thought that was so fabulous and clever, I decided to try some other ways of covering the boob.  First I flattened the boob, then I covered, here's what I came up with

  

   

  

   

  

  Breast cancer awareness!

  

   

  Or why not just put it all out there?

   

  

  Didn't even flatten it, calm down boys!

  I mean this is what I wanted from the 6th grade until I got um.  Why hide them now?  Isaac's photo is my favorite, because it could pass for real at first, although why a cat would be at an Italian restaurant, surprise party, I don't know?  But I may use the breast cancer one during that month as my profile photo.  But John and I think the cat should be a staple in all future pictures.  She  (he said it's a she) could just be with us at all events.  I'm starting to love her already.

   

  On a side note it is ironic that Isaac choose the cat, because just that very day I was cat sitting for a coworker.  It took me over 20 min to find the damn cat and I looked everywhere.  I shook the food, I called here kitty, kitty, I got nothing, no cat, no sound. no meow.  I was freaking out.  I thought for sure the cat was dead.  I know they go hide to die and other people had been coming all week, not me.  This was before the party and before a mall trip, I am sure that's why I was so disheveled.  I am happy to report the little S#$t cat is alive and well.  For now.

  Don't worry, I won't be flashing my boob again any time soon.  But look for the cat in future photos, since I can't leave home without her.

  Edit:  We have named the cat Klevage

  • 7:07 pm
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