July 19, 2011

• Working with the gifted

  If truth be told, I probably work with a lot of crazy people, but for this blog I will discuss just one.

  Those of you who happen to run across this and don't know what I do, or where I work I will give a very brief synopsis.  I currently work at a residential treatment program I refer to as Safeway. However I work for a local school district.  Sort of confusing I know.  Anyway, I am a " para profesional" I have a certificate and everything.  Really what that means is, I am a teacher's aide and many times at Safeway, it really means, paper grader, and babysitter of troubled, or as I like to call them, bad boys.  That is my sort of affectionate pet name for them.

  The bad boys are teens between the ages of 13 and 18.  Now anyone who knows teenaged boys, knows they are all sort of bad, so these boys are especially bad.  But apparently my new coworker doesn't realize that.  

  I probably shouldn't complain, earlier in the summer I was babysitting the PE. teacher's daughter and losing a big hunk of my already paltry salary.  But I am going to complain, because it's my blog and I can.

  Anyway, not all the teachers at Safeway work in the summer and none of them want to work all summer, so my boss had to get someone from the district who wanted to work.  We got Candy ( not her real name ) and she teaches one subject at the regular ed high school, and it isn't bad boy 101.  

  You may be thinking that Candy, even though she works with kids, may not be good with our particular cliental.  Well, lets just say that is a huge understatement.

  I am pretty good at remembering conversations verbatim, so I am going to give you some brief exchanges so you can get the big picture.

   

  Candy:  Laura, I think what we need to do is find these kid's passion and incentives for good behavior.  I am planning on bringing Candy in the room ( not why she has the fake name Candy) and if they give me ten min of work they get one piece of Candy and it's going to be the good stuff too.  Do you want to know why? 

  Me: Sure, yeah I guess ( me thinking, oh great, an idiot )

  Candy:  Well, when I give my dog a milk bone he will sit for me, but if I give him streak I can get him to do anything I want. Do you see where I'm going with this?

  ME: Yeah, I guess ( omg she's screwed)

  Candy: I am sensing you aren't with me on this, I am here to motivate the unmotivated, and I am just the person to do it.

  Me: ( knowing the PE. teacher no longer needs a babysitter, and I really need money) no, I'm right with you, whatever you want to do is fine ( me thinking, they are going to HATE her)

  The next day

  Candy: ( to a boy in condescending, high, cheerleader voice) if you give me ten min of work, I'll give you a piece of candy from my special, candy box.

  ME:  ( thinking, omg please don't say anything dirty. Then again that could be funny)

  Boy: I'm not a Fu--ing dog, you can keep your Fu--king Candy, I'm not doing s-it!

  Candy: ( in same tone as before) Are you suuure?  I have some really yummy goodies?

  Me: ( Thinking omg, it's a good thing this woman isn't that attractive, she is so setting herself up for dirty comment.)  ( I also burst out laughing at dog thing then quickly cleared my throat and pretended to be looking for something.)

  Boy:  Miss Laura can you tell this lame lady that I'm not a fu--ing dog?  If I work, it's because I want to.  I'm not doing tricks for her!

  Passes out dry erase boards after telling me they love them. How she knows this is anyones guess.

  Boy:  What the F--k are we supposed to do with these, where's ___ ( teacher who is on Summer break). 

  Candy:  Well boys, there's a new sheriff in town and we're playing a fun get to know you game. And the swearing needs to stop, because that's disrespectful and I already really like you boys, so lets try and R-E-S-P-E-C-T each other.

  Boys look confused as to why she just spelled respect.

  Boy:  We're here to learn how to not lie, so I'm not playing.  Miss Laura what's her name again?

  Me:  It's Candy, but you can ask her yourself ya know.

  Her:  Do you know how you can remember my name?  There's a song by the Shirelles, I have been listening to it all my life!  (Starts singing song with her real name, not Candy, in wrong tune.)

  Me:  Umm, that's not how it goes and it's Frankie Vallie and the Four Seasons, not the Shirelles and they don't know that music anyway.

  Candy:  Oh sure they do, sing it for them

  Me: What?  Oh no, I don't sing.

  Candy:  Starts singing song again in wrong tune.

  Me: OMG, fine, (I sing song in right tune.)

  Boy: never heard of it.  Want to hear some good music?  You got internet on your phone?

  Candy:  I sure do! ( proceeds to look up song he mentioned and clicks play)

   

  Lyrics to " song" boy wanted her to hear ( not verbatim but close enough)

  "Gonna F--k her hard and good, just the way a homie should.  Got my knife, got my gun, want to kill her, oh how fun"

  Me: That's not music, that's a dirty, degrading poem.

  Candy: ( sort of whispers to me)  I don't think we should cut down their music, that's hurtful.

  Me:  Really?  Humm, I have been doing it for the last eight years or so, thanks for the heads up. ( wow)

   

  Candy: (to boy) You need to earn your right to go in the middle room.  Now sit down and do your work or I will call your probation.

  Boy:  my what?  You mean my P.O?  Go ahead, you don't know the rules in here ____ ( teacher who is on summer break) lets us go in the middle room if we can't concentrate.  I have ADD, I don't stay in here. Tell this lame how it is Miss Laura.

  Candy:  There's a new sheriff in town and you need to give me some work Mr. or no middle room.

  Boy goes in middle room anyway and accidentally knocks over a giant paper roll that falls in front of the door.

  Candy: ( screaming at the top of her lungs ) GET OUT!!!!  GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM.  THIS IS A FIRE HAZARD!  I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU! ( in his face at this point, something I advised her to never do) GET OUT!!!!  LAURA REMOVE HIM NOW!

  Me:  Wow, ok where should I take him, the boss is out today?

  Candy:  I DON'T CARE, TAKE HIM TO THE OFFICE ANYWAY, I NEED ADMINISTRATIVE BACK UP!

  ME: ( thinking, OMG poor secretary of boss who is the only one in the office, has to deal with this?)

  Boy:  ( on the way up to the office) That lady spit on me, right on my F---ing neck!

  Me: ( in tired voice, since PE teacher's daughter was really well behaved) watch the language and do you think you could make an effort with her? Please?  For me?

  Boy: Why?  You hate her too, I see the looks.

  Me: No I don't, she's just different, and she didn't spit on you on purpose. ( Thinking, oh no, if he noticed the looks she did too)

  Boy: I don't care it was disgusting anyway.

  Me:  Look she's the boss, if she wants me to skip around the room I skip around the room

  Boy:  No way would I let you degrade yourself like that.

   

  Candy: ( to boy)  So can you tell me some of your hobbies?

  Boy: My what? Oh, my hobby, I smoke weed.

  Candy:  Nope, no drug talk, I need to hear about your real interests.

  Boy:  Smoking weed

  Candy:  Now see, that's disrespectful, no drug talk.

  Boy:  How is that disrespectful?  We're in rehab?  You want me to lie?

  Candy:  Ok, what would you do with a million dollars?

  Boy:  By a s--t load of weed.

   

  Me:  ( to boy laying on a table) Juan get of the desk please.  ( he doesn't move) ( In firmer voice) Juan get off the desk now!  He doesn't move.

  Candy: ( in voice from exorcist at the top of her lungs) DID SHE JUST ASK YOU TWICE TO GET UP?  DID SHE? WHEN YOU ARE ASKED THE FIRST TIME YOU DO IT!!!!!  THAT'S A WRITE UP MISTER, NOW GET OFF THAT TABLE !

  Boy sits up but does not get off

  Candy:  THAT'S IT!  YOUR GUIDANCE COUNSELOR IS BEING NOTIFIED!!!!!

  BOY:  I don't got a f--kin guidance counselor, wtf 

  ME:  Their counselors are for rehab, not school, they don't call them guidance counselors because that isn't what they are.  

  Candy:  Well whoever, I have their number and they are getting a call.

  Boy:  Go ahead and call I don't give a s--t.

   

  Candy has informed both me and the boys that she has her type 75.  That means she COULD be an administrator.  You can imagine how impressed the boys were.  They wondered, as do I , if she's so wonderful why she is working at Safeway this summer?

  
  

  Candy: ( we are alone, after school) well I think they day went beautifully after we got rid of Lavell.

  Me: ( Is she insane?) ( I give her one of the looks boy was talking about earlier) Oh yeah, me too.  But, and don't take this wrong but, you might want to ease up a bit.

  Candy:  NO way, they will learn who's boss and that's me!!!  And if I have to call the boss every five min. I will.  I need administrative backup.  By the way, you should see some of your facial expressions when I say things? I AM a very good teacher you know?

  Me:  Oh?  Facial expressions?  I had a stroke ( ok didn't say that but wanted to).  Candy, I can see you are great with the kids, it's just going to take time ( like the next four weeks. she is here)  I tried to tell you they don't like change.  I know, new sheriff in town, but they liked the old sheriff a lot.

  Candy: Well I'm not comfortable with the way he did things.

  I wanted to say " Bitch, he's been doing this for over twenty years, if it ain't broken and all that"  Instead I say I totally understand, and we are a team and if she wants to undue everything, I'm all for it.

   It takes a special gift to work with these boys.  I'd like to think I have it.  What I know for sure? She doesn't.  Did I mention ( if you got this far) we were with out electricity the three days she was there?  This week she has planned all sorts of " interesting" things for us to do.  I am subbing for her Monday and Tue.  She will be back Wed.  Did I mention there was going to be a heat wave? Did I mention she called a gang banger from the west side of Chicago a pill? Expression circa 1955?

   I have been busted before on xanga, with a Facebook tattletale, I am somewhat concerned about it happening again, this time resulting in my getting fired.  So Candy, if your reading this, I do dislike you a lot, but it's nothing personal.  I just think you suck.  And boss if you're reading this?  Come on, you can see I tried.  She needs to go that's all.

  
  

  
  

   

  • 5:40 am
  • 16 Comments