September 15, 2011
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A sign
My computer Is in the hospital for a very serious illness. I am taking this as a sign. Im on my iPhone right now, which is the worst way to blog ever! I think this is a sign because since I have been back to more regulat blogging,I have done a couple things I am not proud of. Even though I tried to rectify those mistakes, I think I may need the time to reflect. I am 51 years old, and I feel at times I am acting like I am 13. This is not why I am here. Getting caught up in drama and mean spirited things are not who I am or who I want to be. I want to be here to tell stories, or share my opinion on important matters like " why I think getting an iPad is dumb if you have an apple lap top and an iPhone". Or my next blog, which was going to be traffic court vs divorce court. I really come here to be friendly, make someone smile, share my goofy life with you. But I want to reciprocate and visit other blogs, and that's when the thirteen year old has come out. I hurt someone I care about, I offended someone I didn't even know, I forgot something really important, several times. Everyone here is a real, live, human being. I don't know your issues, triggers, sensitive topics. I don't know your mental state, your emotional vunerability. I am guilty, at times, of looking at this as a game, having fun with the controversy , trying to be popular. All things I detest about xanga. All things that remind me of jr. High. I have found myself being hypocritical, petty, and rude. Not a lot, just one time too many. People are not their xanga site, a string of words on a screen. What I personally enjoy and get out of xanga, is as I said, is sharing what I think is interesting, funny, witty, or important to my life. I enjoy sharing my extreme, amateur photograpy, with photos taken on my cheap little camera. I also enjoy, feedback from others and reading others unique creative outlits. But the Internet by it's very nature gives people false bravado, and while you can make connections there is a level of disconect . So I need to decide why I want to be here, if I want to be here, if I can contol my fingers when visiting others sites. Have I gotten all there is to get here? Or will I go to the library and Write a blog tomorrow? I need to think. If you comment and I hope you do, I can't comment back on the phone. I will read them though, and as I said, I may end up going to the libray. I do know if and when I return to blogging I will be more mindful of My whole xanga experience. What I want? How can I get that? And is it worth it?
Comments (20)
I respect you for this entry.
Keep blogging!
A heart felt mea culpa - xanga has given me a fairly thick skin. For that reason I don't often take offense. Then again I'm pretty selective with who I friend and subscribe to. I try to avoid drama but there are some who enjoy it - I personally get quite enough of it at work and really prefer to engage in a dialog vs diatribe. hehe. I blog for me and have never aspired to popularity... I'm always appreciative when I get comment but I've had to delete some (they just crossed the line).
dear girl, you are not only smart, witty, funny and thoughtful, you are the soul of kindness. please don't stop sharing your observations and opinions!
The 13 year old me longs for friends and subscribers.
While your computer is recuperating, this may be a good time to collect your thoughts for your next blog. It'll be great to hear more of your keen insight.
I hear ya. The whole thing with drama can be avoided if you post protected. The drawback is that it is harder to meet folks, but it can be done. There will always be users and phonies on Xanga, as everywhere, and they move on to other sites, and sometimes come back to lurk, but you ID them, delete them and move on, lol. And, about comments, it is a fine line, sometimes. I have found that unless someone really, truly wants feedback on something (which could differ from their opinion) it is best just to be a supportive ear. They just want to be heard. YOU, however, need to stay right here!
Sorry about your computer. I had a bunch of trouble with mine this summer.
Kathi
I wish your computer a speedy recovery.
I hope you will contiue to blog and make us smile. I love to blog. It is therapeutic for me.
Dear Laura,
I look fondly on my Xangexperience, all seven years and however many months it was.....er......is, since I never seem to really disappear.
A longtime reader of mine once remarked that she knew exaclty when I stopped blogging on a regular basis every other day. It was when my roommate Joel (Cancerboy) died and I moved into the senior mobile home park. When I lived with Joel, I basically wanted to escape having to deal with him. (His alcoholism, not his cancer. I was his primary caregiver the last years of his life, and I rekindled our friendship, cause I didn't want him to think I was always mad at him as his final thoughts about me. )
A lot of that escape was spent in front of a computer creating my "art and literature" and using my website and my blog as an outlet to present same. On weekends I would go out, either with my then girlfriend (whom I "met" on Xanga) or alone, and record my travels with my cameras. It was a good life, as much as it went.
Moving into my own place in early 2009, I began to develop other friendships "in real life" and now I have a pretty full social calendar. In fact, I'm apt to complain that I never seem to have much time to myself anymore. LOL.
I certainly don't have time for Xanga. And when I do make it over here, I'm apt to read an entry like this, and I feel a need to "escape" from Xangaland again.
Last time I was here I read another entry about the sad state of affairs over here and I replied with a long letter relating why I believe the "h8rs" have taken over the asylum. Now I'm reading that you believe you've succumbed to the drama. And it's somehow a sign that your computer broke down.
As someone much wiser once told me. Don't sweat the small stuff.
I think the worst thing about forsaking social networking for real life is that when I do have something to present (I'm working on another really ambitious video project) I'll only get two comments, and my depression will come back.
Michael F. Nyiri, poet, philosopher, fool
At some point in the past I had to have a similar discussion without myself about why I was blogging. Me, myself, and I came to an agreement we could live with, so I'm still blogging.
Good luck with your introspection.
i tend to avoid drama here, although i sometimes jump into it. i have said things on here that i regret, so i know how easy it is to forget that there are real people on the other end of the blog. i've never seen you be anything but open and honest, so son't be too hard on yourself.
I don't think you forgot anything. I really relate to what you say, perhaps i could copy it and post it; of course i would change it a bit."lol" I sense you are an unusually honest person and writer.
you've always been very nice to me! Of course, I stay in my own little xanga corner and haven't ever really seen the drama. Good job for taking responsibility for yourself! (-:
I for one hope you remain here on Xanga and enjoy reading you. I am sure I have, and will continue to get caught up in drama. It is life and we do what we do and move on with it.
It is all good.
Hmm. I've never known you to be mean on purpose, or disrespect anyone who is not being disrespectful to you... but I do understand how sometimes things pop out without being well thought through. Its Xanga though, and it happens from time to time. Not a federal crime.
As far as drama? I actually avoid those big posts that advertise on the front page.... sometimes I'll go read if I see someone has commented and recommended a comment or something...and I feel the suck, but I try to resist...
@opticalnoise - Thanks! I got a computer from work, so I am finally able to comment. Couldn't stand it.
@murisopsis - I guess I just get sucked in easily
@gottobereal64 - I'll be your friend
@Still_groovy - I hear you. I'm just not sure what I want this experience to be for me.
@ZSA_MD - My computer is VERY Ill, it may be a week or more, but I borrowed one from work, so withdrawl isn't too bad. I won't stop blogging, I just need to think about how I want this experience to be.
@baldmike2004 - I'm not really leaving or anything, I just needed a chance to reflect on how I wanted this experience to be. I just need to control my fingers and think more. Anyway, I can do that I'm sure. I too get somewhat frustrated when I work hard on something and then no one sees it!
@C_L_O_G - That's exactly it i am having a discussion with myself
.@WakeUpLaughing - Thanks, I just REALLY hate hurting people
@locomotiv - Go for it! I'm not copy written LOL
@miss_order - well it would be very hard to be mean to you, besides i really wasn't mean on purpose, I just hurt someone because I made light of something.
@Grannys_Place - Thanks, I'm not really threatning to leave. i just need to examine what I want this exoperience to be and thank you.
@BubblysLife - You're a much better woman than I.
It's a lot to ponder. I've found you to be one of the cooler blogger new friends that I got, so I kinda selfishly hope you might stick around, but do what's right for you!
Was that a sign or did I really fall into that drama queen trap? From my perspective I could easily ignore it but your quantitative re-entry into xangadom just multiplied your chances to ruin a computer and be a drama queen.
Once again you have proved to be a fallible and caring person. To some bullies that is a chance or opportunity to take advantage. But to me it is a chance to be reflective, count my blessings and to tippy toe around before getting overconfident.
Hmm, Matt is less in the spotlight. WWMD or say about your recent episode? I suppose his opinion counts even more than any blogger here....
@DivaJyoti - I'm not going to leave. I just may blog a lot less. And I need to watch my words, and I have decided what I want this experience to be and it's not the way it was in the past month or so. Thanks you're cool too
@PPhilip - ha ha, matt is happily living with his girlfriend and working and has much better things to do than worry about my blogging habbits.
I must come clean that anything you state seems accurate
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