October | 2011 | momofjenmatt

So I go to my local Kmart to get a battery for my camera and this is what I see. If you get shocked easily DON'T LOOK, it's bad.

This was LAST WEEK. I mean come on? I saw No Halloween stuff. And it was like 85 degrees that day too. Why even take them down at all. It's ridiculous. Plus, hello? Jews are the ones with money, saw no Menorahs.

Speaking of Jews and Holidays, We are now celebrating our high holy days. Well, they are. Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year, was celebrated at my dad's with Chinese food, which is usually reserved for Christmas. However, My dad and step mom just got home from Spain, because as I said Jews have money, and so it was Chinese.

I don't really want to go into my drive down into the city of Chicago, but I will , briefly. It sucked. Ok, I admit it, I am not a good driver. I have zero spacial skills. So you can imagine, with the buses, people, construction, detours and packed with other, probably, pushy, Jewish drivers, how this went down.

I drove in circles for like a half an hour, had no phone service thank you A- Fing t&t once again. Thank you Garmin for not explaining there is an upper Dearborn or something and a lower one. Whatever, I got there.

The way home wasn't much better. As I was driving down the street some nice lady waved, I waved back, then she kept waving and I noticed it was not a friendly wave, but a panicked one. I roll down my window, maybe her car broke down? Maybe she was just assaulted? Poor woman. So as I said, I roll down the window and she goes " You're going the wrong way on a one way street." Not many people have done that, I have more times than I care to admit, but just admitted. It's kind of scary when cars are coming at you , all looking at you thinking " who is that Fing idiot?" Yeah, that sort of sucked. And I honestly have no idea how that happened. But I do know I will NEVER drive in the city again. EVER!

So we are in the days of awe, ( I think) and that ends with the fun holiday of Yom Kippur. This is the day we Jews atone for our yearly sins, such as eating shell fish, and enjoying a good Blt sandwhich with the B. You are also supposed to apologize to someone you did wrong. For example, maybe you talked behind someones back. Well, I usually don't apologize for that , because I think that is considered healthy venting. The only way to REALLY keep friends is to bitch about them to other friends or you would hold it all in. Besides what they don't know won't hurt them.

We are also supposed to pray all day and reflect on the past year, and a way to do that is by fasting. Not just fasting though, I hear Orthodox Jews don't even brush their teeth. Yeah, I'm not sitting in synagog with a bunch of halitosis people. Totally disgusting. I find I concentrate better on a full stomach. And so the fasting, during a boring service, not fun.

I try and pray and be sorry but frankly, and I hope this doesn't offend people,this is what I'm thinking.

Ok I get it. Sacrilege of the worst kind, but it is hard to repent and think about how you're going to be better next year, when you just want to eat. Of course I have gone all day without eating many times, but on Yom Kippur, since it isn't allowed, I am craving corn beef on rye. You know, always want what you can't have type of thing.

I usually do make it until lunch, so I figure I'm a half way good Jew. Oh fine, I suck at being a Jew. I don't go to Temple, even on high holidays, because I don't belong to one. I don't have money. And I have never apologized to a friend for talking behind their backs.

I don't know, maybe when I die, G-d will let me have it, but for some reason I feel pretty safe.

I will say this, there were NO new someecards, about the high holy days back in June . They waited until it was actually, time. So they beat Kmart in my book. Too bad they ( someecards) don't sell those 100 calorie bagels, the thin kind, that shouldn't even be called bagels. If they did, I would buy some for Yom Kippur, and skip Kmart altogether.