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Well guys it's been nice but unfortunately the world is ending today.  

I'm not exactly sure how it works, but this proves it

http://www.ebiblefellowship.com/outreach/tracts/may21/ .

 I just skimmed, because for one, I don't want to waste my last moments on reading some article and two, it's not looking good for me anyway.  The reason I'm not sure how this is going to work is I heard the end of the world is today at 6:00pm. not sure what time zone, but technically the world isn't ending until October, before then some of us will be fighting wars and natural disasters.  So some of you will get your pass to heaven, while others, sadly me, will be in Hell or suffering until October, then Hell.   Here is another link I didn't really read.

http://sanfrancisco.ibtimes.com/articles/149393/20110520/may-21-2011-doomsday-harold-camping-false-prophet-christian-leaders-evangelical-end-of-the-world.htm

I am aware that some Christians think this is a crock, but from the little I read ( two seconds) it seems pretty legit to me.  So  I am seeing Bridesmaids with my daughter and today, I will NOT be cleaning as planned.  No, before 6:00 pm. in some random time zone, I will be getting together with another unfortunate, very good looking person, and convincing him we need to have the best sex of our short lives.  And believe me that large extra butter popcorn , wow, can't wait.

Sure the earth quakes and suffering will suck and I imagine Hell won't be any picnic, but you know, it's been an interesting ride in the last fifty years so I can't complain too much.

For those of you who will be popping up to heaven at 6:00 pm. I think you should be thinking of the less fortunate, who are left behind.  Having some big old party up in some really cool, kingdom seems a little rude, and kind of un- Christian like.  I think you need to have a moment of silence until October, when it will be completely over.  Then you can party all you want.  But I would like to think that while I am crawling out from the rubble, and starving to death etc... that the lucky ones, will keep their excitement to a minimum.  

I don't think that's a lot to ask, so please consider it.  I sort of feel bad I didn't say good bye to my coworkers , but I have a feeling a lot of them will be here with me.  And the ones that aren't?  Well you know what?  Screw you?  It's not my fault G-d put me with those Jews.  I have already suffered through gefilte fish, no Christmas, and dumb holidays like Tubishvat, whatever that is? So have fun in heaven, maybe the devil won't be that bad, and I can handle a little heat.

Anyway, it's been nice knowing everyone in a cyber kind of way.  Off to go see my last movie, it better be good or I'll be pissed. 

EDIT:  Bridesmaid was funny although raunchy and gross at certain parts.  For a last movie I give it two thumbs up.

PS.  This blog is not intended to offend Christians in anyway, but it is intended to offend whatever his name is that thinks the world is going to end today.  Actually, my Christian friends have informed me, NO ONE knows when the Jesus will come back or when the world will end so I think I may still have a chance.  We'll see  at 6:01 pm. in some random time zone.

So I was watching the news, something I rarely do, and I heard something very controversial, and may I say pretty upsetting. I wasn't paying full attention, but apparently a HUGE group of people are asking McDonalds to stop advertising to kids AND retire Ronald.  

Ok, to be honest I'm not overly attached to Ronald and he's actually always creeped me out a little.

 

I mean he's like part mime, part clown and just weird.  One guy on the news was saying Ronald made kids want to eat there. He said the yellow and red outfit and the huge, scary smile, were like a crack pipe to a crack addict.

 Sorry mister, but it's the fries.  No one can convince me that Bk's fries are better, no contest , so don't try.  Anyway, these people are all pissed off because McDonalds spends a lot of money on advertising, and lots of it is geared towards kids.  Really?  There's a shocker, they are a business, kids like their food, they like making money, and that's how it works.

What's next?  Mattel needs to stop advertising to kids too?  Because I remember when I first saw Malibu Barbie on TV. I had to have her and an easy bake oven, and Mystery date, which by the way is on an antique site which almost made me cry.

I would like to throw out the following senario,

Kid is watching current TV. show that has annoying music and characters, then goes to a McDonalds commercial:

Kid says " mommy can we go to Mcdonalds?"

Mom " NO"

Kid: "Pleeease, mommy I want some fries that are much better than Burger King."

Mom: " No, and stop whining you may have an apple or a sugar, fat free, no preservatives or additives cookie, you choose."

Kid: " Apple please, the cookies taste like the box my Malibu Barbie came in."

OR

Kid: " Mommy, I just saw a comercial with the creepy, clown, that never talks, and reminds me of a freaky mime and now I HAVE TO HAVE McDonalds." " And if you say no I'm going to cry."

Mom:  "Well, humm, we just went yesterday and the day before, but since you run this house, sure."

Seriously, if your kid is a fat ass, who is addicted to McDonalds, that is probably YOUR fault.  So far, I don't know many kids under the age of ten who can get themselves to McDonalds, order and pay for themselves.  And if your three year old can, well kudos for them and shame on you.

  My kids are pretty much done, and they are not perfect, but I'm sure not blaming some freak of a clown.

So young parents, let me give you words of wisdom from an old lady, YOU ARE THE BOSS!  Simple, but it works.  Just say No.  They will live, I promise.  Sure, crying and whining, sucks and makes you want to hurt them, but a few scary looks and some really mean yelling will do the trick.  

And McDonalds, you go ahead and run your business the same way you have for years, and thanks for the new healthy options, but I'm gonna stick with a double cheese burger and large fries.  And please don't replace the creepy clown with Lettuce Man, it just isn't right.

So I have an iphone, the old one, not 4 or 5 or whatever they're on.  It was pretty cheap comparatively.  Of course I am married to those horrible AT&T people for another two years, but that's another bitch blog for another day.

  My favorite part of the iphone is the apps.  For all you non-cool people that is short for application's.  I am hip with the lingo.  Anyway, one of the apps is Instagram.  This is like Xanga for the iphone with photos.  Pretty much the same premise, you go around and follow a million people and tell them you like their photo's that you can barley see on the little phone, and about two of those people will follow you and do the same, until you finally get some " friends" or fans or whatever.  

Well, I did IG all day yesterday ( IG is the cool word they use over in IG land), and it's a pain in the ass. So far I have like 8 followers.  And it took a lot of work to get them.  Some of their photo's are amazing, not that you can prove they actually took them, and some are just so- so.  I refuse to comment on the so-so ones, just like Xanga, I usually don't comment on the posts that say " Today I went to the store.  I bought bread.  It was sunny out."  No, boring, and I won't pretend it's not. 

So I'm doing this all day straining my eyes and then I thought " If I want people to see my stupid pictures, I have Xanga."  People at work get pissed at me because I minimize the compliments I get on my pictures.  That's because a lot of them are just luck and a lot of them are made nicer from apps on the computer.  I'm no photographer and I am definitely NOT a graphic designer, in fact, photo shop gives me a rash.  I hate it, it's too hard to learn and I don't have the patience.  That being said, I do have some photo's that are my favorites and I would like to share them with you.  Hopefully, I have not alienated all my Xanga friends with my wishy washy come one day, leave for three weeks attitude, and some of you will actually come take a look.  Otherwise I might as well go back on Instagram and go blind.  Okay, here are a few of my favorite photo's I have taken, and some manipulated.  

This was actually taken in April of this year.  Yes, thank you Chicago land area. April snow brings May nothing.  Anyway, this was taken at work and I love it.  It reminds me of a Winter post card, even though it was April.  So I think it's pretty if I do say so myself and I do.

 

 

These two were also taken that day, and I was pretty excited how they turned out. I added a sunset to one of them. Of course the boys I work with have no appreciation for the beauty around them.  Then again, they are being forced to live there so I guess I should cut them a break.  If they would rather have dirty Graffiti, broken beer bottle, heroin needle, crack pipe, smell like pee, environments who am I to argue?

 

 

Speaking of which, here are a few of the guys playing hoops in the summer, obviously not the April snow day.  We aren't allowed to show faces so I hope the one face isn't recognizable or I'll be in trouble.  Note boy shooting and his ass hanging out, such an attractive look.

 

 

This is obviously two different pictures merged together.  I got a pigeon flying at the train station in Chicago, so I decided to merge it with tracks.  I liked how it turned out so that's why it's here. 

 

 

Pigeons are pretty dirty birds, but I think some are beautiful.  I love this shot, I have decided she's a girl and she is showing off.  A little stuck up, but that's ok.

 

This the guy, he's pretty arrogant too.

 

Okay on to other things, this seems like one of those fantasy dream kind of pictures.  

 

 It was blended, two from work and I got this. See what I mean?  Some just turn out cool.

 

Similar to the one above it, also from work.

 

When I lived with Expunged I took lots of photo's in his beautiful yard so I am going to add some of those and some random ones I like, and then I won't bore you anymore.  At least not today.  So without further ado, here we go

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay ending now, thanks for checking them out, if you did.

 

 

 

 

 

This one is called traffic.  Clever huh?

 

 

Lot's of Graffiti out of the train window, gotta love Chicago.

 

 

I got this one while laying on a beach in Maryland, I'm pretty sure it's a seagull, but it reminds me of my pigeon friends in Chicago, unless this is a pigeon and those are seagulls.  Oh who knows, they are birds. 

This one is for sure a pigeon. Checking out the poop, nice.

Those of you who know me have now seen another side of me. Hope you liked it and if not, well I'll be back to my witty self next time.  Hopefully, sooner than later.  Off to work have a good one Xangans, show me you're better than those instagram people and show me some love.  I can't afford to go blind.

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There is no other explanation as to how she took my wedding dress and changed a few things and made it into hers. 

 

 

 

 

Yes, that's me kissing expunged, I mean it was our wedding day, calm down.  Back to how the princess stole my dress.  Granted I have the whole 80's thing going on, ( hate the hair) and much bigger boobs ( guess I prayed too hard in 7th grade, when I was still flat).  And her dress is obviously more expensive, and she looks thinner than I do. Although, I weighed a hundred pounds, so that sort of pisses me off.   The point is, I think it's pretty coincidental that our dresses are so similar.

I mean really Kate, be original.  You're a princess now.  I know, I am a fashion trend setter, I always have been, look at this outfit.

I am the one with Barbie and Ken.  Now as you can see, my taste has always been impecable.  I mean, the next thing we know Kate will be wearing an adult version of this outfit.   She may even include the slippers!    

I figure since Kate clearly hacked into my Facebook, which is the only way she would have seen my dress, she will eventually be reading this blog.  So I will address the following to her directly.

Dear Kate,

I worked yesterday, so I didn't get to see the wedding where you were wearing my almost exact dress, but I need to tell you some things.  First, I am going to be really pissed off if I go watch my DVR'd All My Children, and they have preempted it with your wedding.  I mean seriously.  They have decided to cancel All My Children in September, so I need to see every episode until then, and lets face it people get married everyday. Do we have to have a whole month of this? I just don't even care anymore.  That may sound cold, but People magazine, 20/20, the news, the tabloids, it's everywhere.  I know, you're Royal or whatever,  but your father in law is disgusting and I really only care about who is keeping Erica locked up in that secret room.

 And not to burst your bubble as a newlywed, but the dress is a curse.  I am divorced from my ex husband, expunged.  And although I hope for the best for you and William, if he has any of his father in him he will have an affair with some totally ugly woman. I am not going to say anything about expunged and that similarity, because I have a facebook tattle tale.  You really should have asked me about the dress. I would have warned you.

 Not only that, I think I got mine at House of Brides, how much did you pay to have that knock off made?  I could have lent you mine for free.  A few alterations and walla. As for the other outfit, I'm not sure you will look as cute as I do in the Barbie, Ken photo.  Certain people just can't pull off certain looks.  Don't get me wrong, you are beautiful and according to my friend Rob from work, your sister with the weird Pippi Long Stocking name, is even hotter.  But the stripped pants and non matching shirt are something I just wish you would stay away from.  I guess you can steal the slippers, but again, it's really something only I could pull off with flair. Anyway, have a happy honeymoon and know that I am changing my password so you'll have to choose your own clothes from now on.

The recipient of your stalking,

Laura, AKA, Momofjenmatt

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Some of you might be saying, you're a Jew, what do you know about peeps?  Well I know plenty.  For example, I know that Emory University did a study using poor, innocent Peeps, and found they were virtually indestructible.  But the fact is, you can alter them, which in effect murders them.  Except for the eyes, which is very creepy.  Apparently, the eyes can never be destroyed.

And the fact that people keep trying to kill, what this Jew feels is a staple of Easter, is really a horror.  It's true I have eaten a Peep, I have never tried eating spam or sardines, but Peeps are disguised as cute and marketed as candy, so as a kid I ate one.  It was stale.  Peeps are not very good,  especially stale ones.  I will give the Peep killers that one.  But does that mean they should be destroyed?

Warning disturbing visuals ahead!!!!!

 

 

 

Horrific.  While it's true, I don't hear Christians or anyone else calling for the torture and murder of gefilte fish,

technically the fish are already dead when they reach the jar, all in their slimy, carp, glory.  But even if that weren't true, you just can't feel sorry for gefilte fish.   Peeps on the other hand, while obviously filled with dangerous chemicals, are pretty cute.   And useful.

 

 

 

 

And you can do lots of fun things with them

 ha ha a peeping peep

Can you even imagine doing that  with gefilte fish!

 

And not to go on a rant, off topic, but could Jews find a more embarrassing food?  I mean look at it?  Jellied Broth?  Eww, what is that?  You gentiles complain and torture those cute Peeps?  Try having this as a staple at your Holiday dinner.  Ham, green bean casserole, jelly beans, and gefilte fish!!!!!  

 

You must see where I am going with this.  I am asking all you Christians and non Christians who just like the free meal and Easter baskets, please, be kind to the Peeps.

Remember Peeps need love too.

 

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What a nice welcome back, thanks for making me feel crappy about my xanga rant post you guys.

You people sure showed me.

A friend of mine wants me to call expelled, expunged again, so I say hey, "why not"?  Expunged it is.  About a month ago we had to return to divorce court.  Long story short, my bitch of a lawyer, who flirted with my brother in law, and acted like I was insane for tearing up on my divorce date, roped us into being forced to hire her lawyer friend, to split an annuity fund.  Lawyer friend is like $400.00 an hour.  Now I have attorneys in my family, including my dad, so no lawyer bashing allowed.  Unless you are talking about the bitch who charged me like $75.00 for an E mail saying " your next court date is ____.

So we go and since we are representing ourselves in this matter ( getting lawyer friend removed) we are last on the docket.  I really don't care, I took a personal day, and am going to make the most of it.  But expunged?  Well lets just say I remembered another reason we are divorced.

Expunged:  Great, we're going to be last.  They always take the people with Lawyers first.  This sucks, what a waste of time.  Big sigh.

Me: shhhh, this is a good one, listen, omg, he is getting totally bitched out by the judge.

Expunged: Yeah, ya wanna know why Laura?  Because he called an emergency court date and the judge is saying he is wasting everyones time, it's not a valid emergency.  He is wasting OUR time.

Me:  Well I hardly think the ex wife touching his little boy's pee pee is a waste of time, that sounds like an emergency to me.

Expunged:  The guy is lying for one, he never called DCFS, or the police he just calls an emergency court date?  And did you hear the wife's attorney? He does this ALL the time.  You are so naive sometimes, what time is it?

Me:  I am not naive, I believe the child.  If a kid tells you that, you're supposed to believe them.

Expunged:  The kid isn't here, the kid never said that, and if he did it was in reference to a bath or something, he didn't call the authorities, he called an emergency court date and that's why the judge is yelling at him.

Me: well I feel bad, he is from Russia or something I don't think he gets it. AND he has no car to see his kids, that's sad.

Expunged:  I'm going for a walk

Me:  Fine, if they call us, don't come crying to me if you aren't here 

Ten minutes later he is back

Expunged : well I see we weren't called like I said, you can count on at least another hour.  Singed in 9:00 am. on the dot, not that that matters.

Me:  Omg, quit being a baby and enjoy this, see the guy up there now?  Coke Problem.  And she is making him sell the boat.

Expunged:  Who cares?

Me: Well, he seems to care, he seems pissed, I bet he's still doing coke even though he dropped clean, I can tell how he is fidgeting. And sniffing.

Expunged: Exasperated sigh, our thing is going take two min, just watch, and these people will be up there for hours arguing about a boat.

Me: No, the coke thing too,  they have kids, you know this could be really entertaining if you would just listen.

Expunged:  You're sick, I'm going for another walk.

Ten Min later he is back 

Me:  Omg, Expunged, you missed the best one yet.  This one couple was totally accusing the other one of horrible stuff with the kids.  They are regulars and then they get back together and do it again, the judge and everyone knew of them. The kids gardian ad litem basically said they both make her sick.

Expunged:  You know when you filed this, you should have put you were a lawyer, this is bull shit, why is our time less valuable than the attorneys?

ME:  Ok, yeah, Like I wouldn't have gotten busted for that, you need to chill, do you want a Xanax?  I brought a couple because I knew I was going to see you today.

Expunged:  Nice Laura, say that a little louder, offer me your prescription, controlled, substance in a court room, good idea.  What the hell time is it?  I really hate this system, it's the principle ya know.  Fidget, sigh,  Wait?  Why do you need Xanax to see me? I'm fine, do I stress you out?  Omg, there goes another one, I swear they signed in after us, way after, I am pissed.

Me:  No, Expunged you don't stress me out at all.

Anyway, we were almost last, and it was almost three hours, but I saw him watching Judge Judy when she first came on the air and he kind of liked it.  Pretty hypocritical if you ask me.  Our thing did take less than three min.  But really, some people need to be patient.  

The grocery store line is another story, but divorce court?  Always a good time.

 

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Before I get to the boob, I need to give a back story.  Last month my friend Diane ( I can use her real name because it's not her boob) was really bitching about what a jerk her husband was. Her 50th birthday was March 2nd and apparently he got her a balloon from the grocery store and a card.  Something lame like that.  Originally, she was going to rent a villa in Italy for her 50th and take first come first serve friends and all they had to do was pay for air fare.  When she was bitching about her husband, I was nice, and didn't mention that she was pretty disappointing too, since I was counting on the Italy trip.  I didn't have air fare in March but that really isn't the point.  Anyway, I was a good friend and listened to her complain, even though I knew her husband was throwing her a month belated surprise party.  And I was actually thinking that expelled would not have made a big deal about my 50th had I been with him and she should appreciate her ballon. 

So it's party day and my only option was to go with another couple, which happened to be John and Isaac ( it's not their boob either, so I can use real names).  I mean I could have gone with my daughter I guess, or someone else's husband, umm I mean wife, but that seemed kind of depressing.  That's the hard part about being single in a couples world, who do you bring to parties where all your friends are married?  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that I got to keep the friends in the divorce, but it's still a dilemma.  

Anyway, a photo was taken of John, Diane, and myself.  I crouched down even though John offered to stand up.  I don't like pictures where John is standing up by me because he is so tall and I am so short.  That's another problem I have, I seem to have a LOT of tall friends.  This sucks when you are walking places and you have to practically run to keep up with them.  The tall friends never get it and take their long legged strides without even considering how hard it is for a shot legged, out of shape person, to keep up.  Rude! Sorry didn't mean to go off track and rant. So the photo is taken and omg.

First, I look fatter than I am ( at least I hope I am not getting that chubby again) due to the angle etc... and John and Diane look great. F them right?  I mean seriously who wants to be the fat, short one, in an attractive tall person photo.  But then and here is the worst , my boob was practically all the way out. I mean my shirt is like all the way off on one side. It looks like the nipple is going to appear, but I don't think that was possible since I had a bra on.  It also seems like I was rubbing my boob up against John, causing the falling out thing, and let me assure you, I wasn't!  I mean yes, action has been slow in the boob department, but I'm not that desperate, YET.  So what to do?  John and Diane tell me it's not bad at all, because they look good and want it posted.  They don't say that's why, but I'm not stupid.  Isaac agrees it's not that bad, but I can tell he's lying.  But he offers to fix it if I send it to him.  Well unfortunately, the boob and mistake are so big he comes up with this

 

I thought that was so fabulous and clever, I decided to try some other ways of covering the boob.  First I flattened the boob, then I covered, here's what I came up with

 

 

Breast cancer awareness!

 

Or why not just put it all out there?

 

Didn't even flatten it, calm down boys!

I mean this is what I wanted from the 6th grade until I got um.  Why hide them now?  Isaac's photo is my favorite, because it could pass for real at first, although why a cat would be at an Italian restaurant, surprise party, I don't know?  But I may use the breast cancer one during that month as my profile photo.  But John and I think the cat should be a staple in all future pictures.  She  (he said it's a she) could just be with us at all events.  I'm starting to love her already.

 

On a side note it is ironic that Isaac choose the cat, because just that very day I was cat sitting for a coworker.  It took me over 20 min to find the damn cat and I looked everywhere.  I shook the food, I called here kitty, kitty, I got nothing, no cat, no sound. no meow.  I was freaking out.  I thought for sure the cat was dead.  I know they go hide to die and other people had been coming all week, not me.  This was before the party and before a mall trip, I am sure that's why I was so disheveled.  I am happy to report the little S#$t cat is alive and well.  For now.

Don't worry, I won't be flashing my boob again any time soon.  But look for the cat in future photos, since I can't leave home without her.

Edit:  We have named the cat Klevage

Some very nice people, publicly and privately convinced me to ease my way back into the world of Xanga.  Not that I really left, I just went from regular posting to very rarely posting.  But if I am planning on becoming more regular, ( maybe) I guess I need to reintroduce myself or introduce myself, so people know what the hell I am talking about.  Sorry about the length, if you bother to read, feel free to skim.

First, terms I use in my blogs.

Actually there is only one, Expelled, who used to be expunged and before that semi ex.  He is my ex husband, who I used to live with, but we also lived together before we were divorced and we weren't really married, like half in half out, which is why I used the word semi ex.  We got our divorce, went out to lunch, went home.  Then against all odds he met someone, this was like two years later after we had even moved to another house together.  Actually, he re-met someone from high school of all places.  Anyway,they basically ran me out of the home where I lived, paid bills etc... and had  an understanding that this was a semi permanent situation.  I know oxymoron or whatever.  So, I move out and move on.

I have no term or name I use for the girlfriend.  I used to call her skank, just because of the way she handled the whole transition period.  But I have mellowed and with the help of xanax and my life being better, I no longer use that term.  Girlfriend does not like me.  Supposedly it is because at one time, I doctored a photo of the two of them that I stole off a mutual friend's Facebook, and I posted it here.  Expelled had a small target on his chest and after a face book tattle tale told of the photo, I was branded a sicko, stalker, murderer.  But the target was just one of like 10 little icons.  And you had to see the photo in context.

I am not going to get into the reasons why she not only over reacted, but how she has zero sense of humor.  What I do know is, that is NOT why she dislikes me.  And if you are reading this girlfriend or tattle tale, I would be happy to tell you the real reason why.  Expelled loves me and I love him.  Not in a romantic way, but in a we were married forever, have two kids, shared a life, and we were always friends.  I mean don't get me wrong, there are a long list of things I detest about expelled, and if I EVER had to live with him again, I would probably go into a catatonic state, but we have genuine warm feelings for one another.  And I also think I am his best friend.  Sorry girlfriend, but it's true.  But maybe in 10 or 20 years she will become the best friend.  I was never going to change his diapers or any of that anyway, so have fun with the golden years. The point is she does not like me and therefore I don't like her.  I was willing to forgive and forget, but some of us are more mature than others.

On with the Bio.

Expelled and I have two kids together, and they are really anomalies.  Expelled and I were kind of losers in our youth.  Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, like being exposed to lead paint, running rampant with no supervision, doing drugs, and moving a lot, both of us were lucky to get out of high school.  Our hobbies in high school included getting high, ditching class, going to parties, and hanging out in smoking areas. We met in the worst dive bar you have ever seen. He never went to college and got in a trade. I went to college and graduated eight years later after attending like five schools.  And you DO NOT want to see my grades.

Child one, was the lead in many high school plays/musicals, was in show choir, National honor, society, Thespian something or other officer, Valedictorian of her class.   She graduated Suma Cum laude from Northwestern University with a double degree, early.  She now works for a company that pays her over double my salary ( which isn't saying much) and has ten times the benefits that I do.  

Child two, the boy, also stared in many high school productions, was also in show choir, both tech and performing and did theater tech too.  He was president of the drama club.  He did gymnastics and was very good until I made him quit due to two accidents involving a high bar and head and back injuries.  He was president of his fraternity by sophomore year.  He is graduating this year with a Math degree from Indiana university.

But the most amazing part is that despite their mother going from sort of cute to fat and ugly to sort of cute then fat and ugly again.  And despite the fact that their mother was clearly depressed and their parents fought and didn't even sleep in the same room for like the whole marriage and divorced living together thing.  And despite the fact they were basically raised in a DUMP and I am not exaggerating, they are just very normal, nice kids.  They work hard, they over come obstacles and they are just genuinely, likable, cool people. They are both in strong relationships. My daughter is engaged to her boyfriend  of five years ( living together for 1 and a half) and my son is moving in with his girl friend of about a year and a half when they graduate.  Yes, I allow them to live in sin.  I just don't have the room for them to come back home, and actually could care less.  They are happy, strong capable, adults, so i guess we did something right I just have not figured out what it is yet.

Back to me.  I work as a " paraprofessional"  this is the new, fancy word, that means teacher's aide.  I make no money, but I actually like my job.  I work with court mandated youth, who have been sent to a drug rehab facility I call Safeway ( oh I found another term).  I work on Safeway grounds.  Many of our clients come from the west side of Chicago.  According to the news and Nightline this is an area that has epidemic gang problems and killings.  One of the worst in the country.  The rest are a bunch of poor suburban gang bangers, poor gang banger wanna bees, and upper middle class druggies.  My favorite, by far, of the cliental, is the West side kids for a number of reasons, too long to get into here.

So that's my life, and writing it here sounds really boring.  But don't expect blogs like, " I went to work, my life sucks, I bought groceries today"  Don't expect poems, although I did write a rap once.  I could put pretty pictures I have taken up, but that is unlikely, if you're interested they are in my photo blog thing.  

What you can expect is, poor grammer, and poor use of the English language.  I won't butcher anything, but I definitely need an editor. 

I usually write about some insane thing I did on an impulse, something " I Love Lucy" like that happened to me, like being stuck in the car wash, my thoughts on life, but very rarely anything controversial or serious.  Sometimes I talk about work, but too paranoid to discuss the boss or any co workers, but will talk about the boys sometimes.

Pet peeves are when I am obviously NOT being serious but commenters get their undies all in a bunch.  The rare times I am being serious and people are disrespectful to my or others opinions.  

So that's it, my real name is Laura and I'm an open book.  I like to blog, I like to make people smile, and I hope to get back into it. So I'll give it a shot and we'll see how it goes.  

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Since I am basically no longer a regular Xangan, out of the loop, and a very infrequent visitor, I don't really expect many, if any, answers, but I'll answer them for myself, because I'm bored

Since those seven people have won the big Lottery, millions or something, I have been more than green with envy.  I give no credence to the saying " Money can't buy happiness."  Ok, not exactly true, obviously I wouldn't trade my kids, family, friends for money, BUT no one could convince me that having millions wouldn't make me REALLY happy.  

I know people say they lose friends and family because they don't share.  Well, I wouldn't lose anyone I care about because I already have a list.  I can tell you some people on the list because they are a given.  My kids, parents, and siblings would be taken care of.  My sister is the one I have thought about the most.  I know my money would make her happy, she is a single mom of twins.  I already have her in the home of her choice, anywhere in the world, and anything else she needs or wants.  There are a lot of other people on my list, but I'm not saying who they are.  If you are reading this and unsure if you are on the list, I suggest you be really nice to me, on the one in a gazzilion chance I win the lottery, I play like once a year, you would want to be on my list, because I plan on being really generous.  

Actually, if you are unsure if you are on my list, you probably aren't.  And you may be thinking that people always say they would give to charity and be generous, but I am positive I would be.  I'm already generous with my pitance, so you can be sure I would go nuts if I had millions.  I would want to give money to expelled, but I would want conditions put on it.  For example, girlfriend can't benefit at all.  I know that sounds mean, but she is rude to me, ever since I posted that doctored photo of her and expelled and some face book tattle tale actually told her.  I almost want to post it again so people who never saw it can see how benign it was, but it's not worth it.  Anyway, I would think with the money I am giving him, he might be able to attract a person with a better sense of humor.

Ok, I have not really asked the questions yet.

 

1) If as in this case ( current lottery winners), fellow coworkers opted out of playing that week would you share?  I would, unless I really couldn't stand them, then I probably wouldn't.  Or I might, even then, just so I wouldn't feel guilty, but just a little, like 100,000.

2) what are the first few things you would do with the money?  I would pay my parents back for every dime they have given me as an adult and then some.  I would pay off my kid's student loans, I would quit my job.  Which brings me to question three

3) Would you quit your job, give notice?  I would like to say I wouldn't screw my coworkers and boss over by quitting with no notice, but I probably would.  I would probably rationalize and say that it was unsafe, with the boys knowing I have so much money I would need to go right away.  Which could be true.  As it is I make it clear I am probably poorer than them and their drug dealing families.  Plus there are coworkers who are NOT on my list and I think they would be bitter.

4)  Would you move?  I wouldn't, I don't think.  I would probably buy out the crazy woman upstairs and the snorer who I can hear through the ceiling.  But only if I could put in an indoor/outdoor pool across the hall, and something nice upstairs like a giant master bedroom and library.  I don't know if they would do that but maybe for enough money they would.

5) would you really give to charity?  I would, but I might start my own non for profit group, one that I think would actually do some good, since I see too many charities that just don't seem to make a difference.  One of my ideas is to start some free daycares in the " hood" all the way through high school and teach and raise these kids correctly, to break the cycle.  I haven't figured out the details yet, because I haven't won any money and would rather fantasize about the all expense paid vacation I am taking with the people on my list.  One of the current lottery winners is going to Disney World.  I like Disney too, but really?  Not my first choice.

6) If you didn't play ( like the five who didn't) would you cry?  I would, I would obsesses, I would be telling everyone I knew that they should share, and what jerks they were if they didn't.  I would want them to decide right now if they were going to share, not keep telling the news they didn't know.  I would be thinking it was mean to make me suffer.  I would lie to the news, just like I saw one guy do, and say they deserved the money, they were great people, oh well, my loss.  But I would be screaming inside.  If they all had millions I would expect one million each from all seven.

I know I sound greedy, but come on?  How many millions does one person need?

 

So that's what I think.  Feel free to tell me what you think.  Or don't.  If you come by to view this, you know where I stand, and if you're pretty sure you are not on my list, it's not too late, you know what you need to do.

By the way, I took the photo on my header in expelled's yard. Great photo opportunities there, I think I will buy his house with my winnings too.

First can I say that anyone from the Chicago area knows that " Spring" break is no Spring.  There are no budding tulips, no Spring air, no warm April Showers ( just cold rain).  No topless, girls and keg stands on beaches.   What we do have is above zero but not much, around 34 degrees, and cutting wind.  

So it's my first official day of Spring break and since I lose one week, of an already low salary, I am staying in the Chicago suburbs.  Humm, what to do?  My usual routine would be, try to sleep in, 7:00 am. maybe, catch up on hours of DVD while eating continuously, read my current book, nap for two hours, rent an over priced Comcast movie, text and talk on the phone while still eating continuously .  Go to bed after ordering a giant Pizza for one and having one slice left over.

This time I thought I would be adventurous and ( insert scary music here) move my body.  This is because Expelled may be bringing you know who to Matt's graduation in May and I need to lose 30 pounds.  Yes, I realize that is a somewhat unrealistic goal, however it needs to be done.  

I have already burned 20 calories on a stupid, Wii dance game, and since that is less than one tablespoon of fake butter, I realize I need to do something else.  I decide to walk.  

I could walk around my neighborhood. I have never walked or even really seen the neighborhood since my little complex is near the main road, but I decide I could get lost.  There are trails around here, I am pretty sure, but that would require google and driving, and I need to go now while I have motivation.  So I decide to walk from my new home town to my old home town. 

While driving it doesn't seem too far, and since I have decided to tell NO ONE, I figure I can always change my mind.

I have no idea how long this ordeal takes so the times below may not be what they really were.  

The first half hour:  I am walking briskly down the road.  There is not much of a shoulder to speak of and I often have to dash through green lights in order to avoid being smashed to bits.  I am feeling good, even somewhat warm since I bundled up and wore my fake Uggs with the fur inside, instead of any kind of walking shoes.  I am positive I can at least make it to rt. 111, ( not a real rt) which seems like that is half way there.  

The second half hour:  I am still feeling ok, but it's sort of chilly.  I am really not happy about the gravel/rocky shoulder of the road, and the fake Uggs are pretty uncomfortable.  I am excited I have made it past Rt. 111, but think I may turn around soon. I am bored so I look at my cell phone and see that I have a text from my friend John ( real name ).  John has been annoyingly, relentless about me working out.  You know the type, they quit smoking, now everyone needs to quit, it causes Cancer, it's disgusting.   They find Jesus, you need to find Jesus too, you are lost and Hell bound and you need to hurry.   They get in shape, you need to get in shape too.  The text isn't about getting in shape, but I am proud to have gotten off the couch, so I text back to his " Hi" ,

"  Hi, I am walking to my old home town".  He does not believe me and so I assure him that this is the case.  Technically, I am not far from my old home town, because for some reason it goes from my new town to old town to new town and back again.  But when he asks where I am going in my old town I say Target.  Target is about 5 or six more miles but I don't really realize that.  I have an ok pace going so I stop texting and really try and pick up the speed.

Third half hour:  I am really tired and sick of this walk.  A blister is starting to form from the Uggs, and the rocks and the jumping over mud puddles.  The view on this walk sucks, there are barron trees, mud puddles, and open, brown farm land.  The wind is picking up, especially when I am by open, brown, farm land.  An old man has pulled over and offered me a ride.  Through my runny, and I'm sure very red nose, I decline.  I was very tempted though and almost risked being kidnapped and chopped up in little pieces. I want to stop the madness, but I told John I could do this so I had to. Besides turning around seemed just as far.  I figured when I got to Target, a friend would pick me up and drive me home.

 

Fourth half hour:  My fingers are numb despite the fact I have leather gloves on.  I see mirages of McDonalds and Burger King.  I fantasize about laying on the patch of grass off the side of the road and sleeping forever.  The blister is really hurting now.  I am starting to twist my ankle several times on the rocks because I can no longer pay attention.  Cars whiz by, no one offers to pick  me up, even though I am now vering into traffic.  Several cops have passed and not one has told me it against the law to walk on two lane roads.  I keep thinking I am almost there and then I'm not.   I almost call someone to come get me, but then I remember judgmental John.  I weigh the pros and cons of lying to John and decide I can't.  I pray for one of the cops to insist I get in their car, even if they end up taking me to the mental institution.  They don't.

Fifth half hour:  My face is burning from the cold wind.  The manure smell is making me sick but the target is within my sight.  I start giving myself pep talks.  "  You can do this, what about the guy in the cave who cut off his own arm to escape?"  This is very similar." " You are strong Laura, the Target is right there, just a mile or so away"  " It's true, there is no more shoulder, because of construction, but who cares, what about people stuck in mine shafts and wells and caves?" " They survive."

Sixth half hour:  I give up, I go to a church and lay down in front of the door.  I think this might be the time for me to find Jesus, but first I call a friend who lives near by.  Let me tell you this was no easy task.  I have to pry my frozen fingers from the hardened, leather glove and attempt to dial by touch screen.  As I am doing this I think " screw John and his working out, who is he to judge me, I don't HAVE to go to Target, and besides I practically did, so I am not lying, I hate him, this is all his fault.  This is no longer about looking good for stupid expelled's girl friend, she probably doesn't even notice I'm fat, because he probably showed her my REALLY fat pictures and they agreed that wasn't attractive. "  My friend answers and this is how it goes,

Me:  Omg, pant, pant, laugh, please tell me you are home.

friend:  No, I'm sorry I'm not, we are on our way to daughters concert in Wisconsin, why?  Are you ok?

Me:  No, omg, laugh hysterically and sort of cry, I did something really dumb, I tried to walk to Target from my house, I am now at the Church by your house, I need to go home.

After much laughter and sharing my insanity with her husband, whom I apparently never cease to amaze, she offers to have her son illegally drive and pick me up and bring me to their house.  I am tempted, but no, it's ok.  I can make it to Target and find someone else, or sleep in the home ware section of Target.

Getting up was not easy, but I did it and continued to walk about five feet down the road, I call friend number two and three, neither are available to come get me, but friend number three says, " What is wrong with you?" "  Next time walk on a trail or something" "  Why did you do this?"

 I don't know why, and I don't care, I just want to go home.  This is much worse than the guy who's arm is stuck between bolders.  No one has suffered the way I am suffering now.  I say a lot of expletives in regards to John, the whole thing can be directly traced back to him. I know he will admonish me for not making it to Target and I plan on ways to kill him when that happens.  

Then I remember friend number four and five, they actually live near here too.  Friend Four will judge me so I hope he doesn't answer, he does

Him:  Hello

Me: Hey, pant, pant, 

Him:  Hey Laura, what's up?

Me:  Is friend five there?  ( thinking, just let me talk to friend five she will save me)

Him: ( sort of put off) sure hold on

Friend five gets on and I say, " Hey you know how I'm insane?"  we both laugh and she says, "yes," I am not even insulted and am laughing from delirium now.  I explain the situation and she agrees to get me right away.  It turns out I am 0.5 miles from Target when she picks me up.  She has to pull me into her car.  She does not judge me out loud, and actually acts like this is something I would always do.  She decides to clock the miles home and it ends up being over seven miles.  

In the last fifteen years or more the most I have walked is about 1/2 a mile.  And that is with stopping.  

When John hears of story he does say " you should have just walked the rest of the way"  But he also acts like I was stupid for trying so many miles day one, and is taking no responsibility for his part in this.  He has the nerve to tell me to find a treadmill and walk a half an hour to start.  He does not seem proud at all, after his blathering on and on about how great and important it is to work out.  And frankly he is giving me mixed messages. 

I am pretty sure I look the same as I did before the walk and now have lost all desire to lose the 30 pounds.  John, and expelled's girlfriend can just deal with me the way I am.  

The past couple days of " Spring" break I have finished a book and started a new one.  I have eaten a lot, but really enjoyed it.  I watched Nurse Jackie and only have about 10 Oprah episodes to go on DVR.

 This is so much more like it.  If I can't be on a beach in Florida, I will spend the rest if "Spring" break right here inside my humble abode.