Every other day at work, we show the news for the first hour.  Alternate days are gym days.  Today was a news day.  Now when I say news I am sort of using the term loosely.  No offense to anyone at CNN, but we watch the watered down version with Robin Meade.  Why you ask?  Well on an average we have 10, presumably, heterosexual, teen age boys. 

 

 

 

 

 

The boys think she's hot, and that limits some of the sleeping and complaining.  And the "news" is pretty watered down and tolerable to them.  As it is we have to explain half of it, like the stock market, and what a senator is. 

 

Well today was a great news day, and it prompted discussion almost all day.  Today we learned, via hot Robin, that every state has something they are the worst at or should be ashamed of.

 

http://pleated-jeans.com/2011/01/24/the-united-states-of-shame-chart/

 

Feel free to click on the link and check out your state.  Actually, this would have been a non issue had we just watched the news.  They really only mentioned that Connecticut  had the highest rate of breast cancer and Hawaii and California had the highest cost of living, neither of which the boys cared about.

 

 But after the news was over I was curious about Illinois. Big mistake.  We found out the great land of Lincoln is know for highest amounts of robbery.  The boys were thrilled.  You would have thought we were voted the best state in the U.S. based on their reactions.  I could tell a lot of their pride was due to the fact that they were huge contributors to our infamous robbery label. After they got over their excitement over the robbery thing, they started to look at the other states.  I think they wanted to make sure no one else beat us in the great crime of robbery.  That's when it happened.

 

 I will be quoting so cussing/swearing will be used in the dialog below.  In other words I will be dropping the F bomb.

 

 

 

Boy one  " Holy shit, Washington is known for bestiality"

 

Boy two  " That's fucked up" " I bet Obama want to come back to Chicago"

 

Me " No it's Washington State, not DC. we have two Washingtons and watch your language"  " Wait does it really say that?"  

 

And to my shock, sure enough, Washington State is known for having the most incidences of bestiality.  We then get into a deep, intellectual discussion on the merits of this study.  I wondered how they know the bestiality is occurring.  I find it doubtful that even in an anonymous survey  anyone would admit that.  And who would ask that on a survey anyway?

 

Question one - Have you ever committed a robbery?

 

Question two- Have you ever had sex with an animal, and by that we mean a real animal, a non human, like a bear or tiger?

 

 

Then I casually mention they probably get the results from crime data.  And then I make my second mistake of the day, I ask " Wait is that a crime?"  

 

Okay, I'm sorry, but how am I supposed to know?  I don't live in Washington, I don't know anyone who has sex with animals or was arrested for it.  

 

Well you would have thought I just admitted to doing it myself.  I was told " WHAT?  Miss Laura, of course that be a crime, that shit messed up"  " You're eyes just got real big, is you worried about being arrested?"

 

Completely inappropriate, but kind of hard to do anything about it, when the teacher is laughing so hard he is almost rolling on the floor.

 

I inform them that that is disgusting, and furthermore, I don't own any pets, so ha! 

 

  Not only that, I have never even had the desire to go to the state of Washington.  I said I was pretty sure it rained a lot there, at least in Seattle.   And a lot of rain gives me a sinus headaches.

 

 It was then decided that due to the large amounts of rain, people didn't want to leave their houses to find a sexual partner and so they did it with their pets. Which we all agreed was wrong on so many levels, and thought it was sad the pet couldn't testify in court.

 

At this point, you all may be thinking, what kind of F'd up classroom do you work in?  Well first, it's pretty F'd up, but I blame this whole thing on hot Robin.  

 

No one was interested in discussing Clark Howard's warning about collection companies going after the wrong people, which I actually found quite interesting.  

 

Of course they hate Clark, and ask why we can't "fast forward through the lame."

 

 

 

 

Personally I enjoy his money tips even if I don't follow any of them, and they are better than Susie Orman on Oprah, who freaks me out because she says the economy won't be better unti 2014.

 

So this is my life, always something.  Who would have thought I would be discussing bestiality with anyone much less students.  I did look, I think Washington only has 4 cases, but hey Washingtonians  that's more than Illinois.

 

  

 

 Louisiana,watch the gonorrhea

 

And North Dakota, ugliest residents, ouch, well we can't all be beautiful. 

 

At least we can work on our robbery issue.  The looks?  Not so much.

 

A few weeks ago, Jennie asked if I would like to attend a Bridal expo, with her and her cousin ( also  engaged).  I agreed, because that's what mothers of the brides do, even though, if truth me told, I had a bad feeling about it.  Part of the bad feeling was due to the fact that the wedding is two years off, so I envisioned 100's of Bridal Expos in my future.  And unless it was as fun as Disney World, I had no interest in Bridal Expo hopping.   Instinctively, I knew this would not be my dream of a fun time.  The other reservation was the fact that I had recent, removal of my uterus surgery, and thought it might be too much excitement.

However, I could never have envisioned what it turned out to be.

In my fantasy, my niece, ( or ex niece to be technical since she is expelled's bio niece), Jennie, and I would enter a huge room.  In the room there would be some tables, most would have Hors d'œuvre's, and giant pieces of cake.  Maybe a chicken dish, or beef, and small alcohol shots to taste.  Then there would be hundreds of bridal gowns to look at and perhaps try on. It would end with a fabulous, short, fashion show ( 15 min tops), with affordable gowns, all ones I loved.  Of course during the food tasting portion I would be relaxing at a beautiful table, and enjoying a nice glass of wine.  Everything would be expensive and the best of the best, but we wouldn't commit to anything because it would be unaffordable.

The reality, was slightly different.  We arrive at a hotel and get in a very long line of FAT no, actually, obese brides to be.  How do I know the fat girls were the brides to be?  Well, they all wore a clever sticker that said VIB.  Not VIFB, because not all the brides to be were fat, only 90 percent of them.  Please don't misunderstand.  I am all for fat girls or big girls finding love, it was just off putting that so many brides to be had a weight issue.  And not just a weight issue, but there was also an unattractive issue, and a tacky issue.  I almost took pictures to prove the lack of exaggeration, but it became too obvious. So you will have to take my word for it.

Here are the VIB's, Jennie and Autumn.  They are not fat or unattractive.  We are waiting in line.  I am already getting pains in my incisions.  

 

 

I thought it was exciting they got little gift bags.  I was hoping that was where they woud put the expensive chocolates and maybe free skin care products.  They were told they needed to have 90% of the vendors sign their cards in order to win an amazing honeymoon.  Little did I know, the vendor tables would be crammed next to each other in a line, with the fat, unattractive, tacky, brides pushing their fat asses in, crowding the rest of us out. 

 

 

One of the first vendor tables was one of many photography tables, I liked this one, and am hoping Matt does this at Jennie's wedding, or at his own.  I am pretty sure he could, he has skills like that.

 

 

These Limo's are crazy.  And I don't think I like them.  There is nothing wrong with an old fashioned stretch limo.  I see no reason to ruin a good thing.

 

 

 

Jennie may be interested in having her bridesmaids wear all white.  She wanted me to take this to prove that it could look good, especially in the winter.  Of course this is not in the winter, but Jennie likes the idea of all white.  Maybe.  A couple people have rejected the idea, and Jennie is not good at making up her own mind.

At this point in the expo, I am hungry and tired and not doing well standing up in one spot. Fat girls are pushing their way in to get cards signed and vendors keep asking if you have your DJ. yet?  Do you have a photographer, an ice sculpter, a photo booth, a dancing bear and everything else you need to have the wedding of your dream?  It has been an hour at least and I need to walk, and then hopefully sit down.  I decide to walk ahead.  I found a chair

But I instinctively knew this was an example chair and they would not want me sitting in it, although trust me I was close.

 

And where was the food and booze?  I keep walking, finally I come to this,

 

 

 

 

It's about time.  I wonder how many I can take without looking like a pig.  I take one and swallow it whole, then I act like I didn't really care for it, and I needed to try another flavor.  They ask where my bride is, since I don't have a VIB sticker on, and I am old, and old brides don't go to Bridal expo's, and now I know why.  I tell them she is getting her card signed by the horse and carriage people, but that I was being given the responsibility of choosing the cake and I quickly grabbed another one and move on.  

Then, and I am not kidding, I am accosted by a Chiropractor booth.  Why they were there, I don't know, but after filling out a form honestly admitting I have insomnia, depression, anxiety, diabetes, learning disabilities, irritability, constipation, diarrhea, back problems, pms, menopause and an occasional cold, I learn my balance is off.  I listen to a lecture on the spine, showing the irritability symptom more and more as they are lecturing me.  I am offered a twenty dollar consultation, which I learn is a huge deal, since it normally costs three million dollars or something like that.  I impolitely decline and keep on towards my quest for food and rest,

 

Thank goodness I found these, but they seemed annoyed when I took three, so I moved along and found an empty room where the fashion show was to take place.

Th girls were still behind, with the fatties, and I was wondering if Jennie was attacked by the chiropractor. She does walk unbalanced, and I was sure he would notice.

 

I waited for the girls here for another hour.  I was very disappointed there was no chicken and rice or mini martini's.  Finally it is time for the fashion show.

 

Here is our long winded and annoying announcer.

 

 

We also have our unattractive, gay, designer, who dances with a model bride and it's odd.

 

This was nice, but really with our crowd we needed

Something more along the lines of this

or this

 

I took these

because these were

some more of Jennie's possible interest in bridesmaid dresses.  But who knows, in a year and a half they could be yellow with black stripes.

 

 

 

I took a picture of this because, this would be something pretty at a winter wedding and we could totally make this ourselves.  It seems silly to pay $100.00 for something you could make for $20.00 tops.  I mean really?  I could make that and I am challenged, due to my spine unbalance or imbalance or whatever.

 

Autumn is having a Cancun destination wedding, so she really didn't benefit from the expo at all.  And neither of them won a prize, and I was really hoping for the Ice Sculpture win.

 I did get a call the other day saying I won $300.000 towards hair removal.  I told them, I would redeem it if I had a mustache in two years when my daughters wedding was to take place.

I don't think they will be calling back.  

 

I will continue my mother of the bride blogs as we go along.  When Jennie is old, and tired, and menopausal, and she wants to look back on all the fun that proceeded her marriage to the guy who will be probably be known by names other than Jeff, she can read these blogs.  

I know she will thank me one day.

I know back again so soon?  What can I say I'm bored.

So my sister says to me the other day " Everyone gets you look so much better now that you no longer live with expelled."

And, well, pictures don't lie.

 

POST living alone. I am the one in the middle (duh)

 

Hello very old friends.  I really need to explain my very long absence.  Those of you, and I'm sure there were many, who missed my last entry, missed a little, tiny, joke, I made at expunged and his lady friends's expense.  In photo form.  This has been removed because a MUTUAL Facebook " FRIEND" felt  obligated to share this with the lady friend.  

 

Thanks so much " friend".  Was this really necessary?  This caused me so many problems I can't even get into them all.  And of course now, I feel I have to edit everything I say here, because SOMEONE can't take a joke.

 

As most of you know, expelled  and all that comes with him, was a huge staple of this blog.  And to his credit he took it all in stride and I think may have even been slightly flattered to be featured so much.  Well lady friend, and Facebook " friend" with zero sense of humor, that is over now.  I mean if you can't use your ex husband who you used to live with and his humorless lady friend as material what can you use?

 

 Oh, did I just call her humorless? No, no Facebook, tattle tale, I meant, heartless, err I mean, oh never mind, I meant nothing. Far be it for me to write anything on my own, albeit, public blog, that my ex-husband's girlfriend might not like.  To be fair, during our long and fascinating discussions where I say " hi Expunged lady friend " and she gives me an inaudible grunt, I have not  really learned much about her.  I do know she thinks I am a deranged and dangerous, killer, stalker, due to the unfortunate photo joke, but I think if she really thought about it, I would be somewhat smarter than to make my threats so public.  After all I watch Lifetime TV.  

 

And seriously if you are reading this, lady friend of Expelled, you are not dead, nor is he, and last I heard, all your limbs are in tact, so the paranoia needs to go.  Not only that I apologized, which I think was pretty magnanimous considering I was the the one who was made uncomfortable to blog. And you got the prize, expelled and all the fun that comes with him.

 

 Ok, let's be truthful.  Nothing too exciting has happened, at least not as exciting as the duck, ( see prior entry) except I did get my uterus, ovaries and tubes removed.  Ok guys, calm down, no details I promise.  I swear go anywhere below the neck, and discuss incisions etc.. everyone gets all squeamish.

 

Can I just tell you though, the recovery nurse was so mean I was tempted to use the C word. To her face.  This is how it went down, I calmly moaned and sort of screamed a bit when I came out of anesthesia, because frankly it hurt like someone had ripped out some of my organs.  Her response to that was to give me a placebo drug in my IV and say " didn't anyone tell you this was going to hurt ?".  In a mean way too.  Gee, no, dumb B word, nurse, I thought it was going to feel great, maybe even orgasmic.  Let that be a lesson to all you nursing students.  Be nice, it's part of your job.  You can thank me later when you don't get fired.  

 

 

In other news my eldest, Jennie, is engaged to be married, which means I could be a grandmother within five years.  This is ok, since I will be the dreaded 55 in five years and that seems old enough to be a grandmother of a baby. Maybe.  I know many of you are already memaws and papas' and nanas', but I am not one of them, and I don't care to be anytime soon.

 

 Jennie is going to be engaged almost two years to the day before she marries.  I am hoping we book a place and then never speak of it again until six months before, since I am already somewhat burnt out.

 The important part of this wedding is my date.  If it were to happen tomorrow I would be dateless or my BFF and his partner would have to be my date, and although fun, I would kind of feel like a third wheel.  I think they need to come to the wedding together, as a couple.   I need to have my own  gorgeous, FUN, smart, charming, wealthy, man as my date.  I don't think that will be too hard to find, even if I have to hire him.  I think that should be part of expelled's wedding budget, since technically when it comes down to it, it is his fault I am dateless.

 

 

I am also hoping by then, lady friend has chilled out, learned the art of conversation, and is willing to pitch in financially, and or anything else necessary to make this wedding come off without a hitch.  After all, no one likes a Debbie downer.  And trust me so far... well someone needs a dose of pep.  Oh and just an FYI, lady friend, who I sort of hope is NOT reading this, I plan on being the hottest Mother of the Bride on the planet, so don't bother trying to compete.  You will lose.

 

The boys at work are still bad, but they have changed the food to something that is somewhat more edible, in order to attract private pay kids, rather than court mandated.  I'll let you know how that goes.

 

To tie this up, Matt is doing well, trying to get him out of that stupid University he attends within 10 years, and he has just celebrated his one year anniversary with girlfriend. I am hoping this means I don't interrupt the monthly anniversary celebrations I seem to hit every time.  He seems to be in good mental health.  One of his best friends has returned from Afghanistan alive, and in tact.  We are all thrilled about that, but I was not pleased to learn about the Afghan people's bathroom habits.  This is something the American people really need to teach them, because I think this could be a huge part of the problem over there. 

 

 

Until mid 2011, have a good one. Or maybe sooner, since I am laid up.   Let me know your thoughts, I miss you all.

I know it's been months, I would be shocked if anyone comes around here anymore. I hate to say this but Facebook has really altered my blogging life on xanga.

Although I had many blog worthy things to write about, I just have not been motivated.  For example, I could have told  the tale of the tattoo

(pre tan)

A very weird, yet compelling story, involving an unlikely duo

My 50th 

me with one of my oldest and dearest, who is NOT 50 yet. At birthday dinner.

 

The first time I saw the duck

Pre duck viewing

 

The vacation curse and missing the plane

Just a non verbal signal to US. Air

 

But I'm sure the millions of people who are reading this.  Okay fine, the two people, are dying to read all about the duck.

 

Since I promised the two friends that bought me the duck, that their identity will never be revealed, I am going to be much more careful with names.  Usually, I just rhyme the name and people guess who it is, however, this time I am going to be much more careful.  The two duck buyers names are Charlotte Green and Deborah Cocktail.

I am positive my clever aliases will keep them safe.  

One day I was lunching with Deborah and Charlotte,  afterwards, we decided to walk around the town we were lunching in and do some shopping.  The first store we went into was a local lingerie shop.  They offered personal bra fittings and since according to my mother, I have never owned a good bra, we decided to go in.

 Unfortunately, they had no time for bra fittings, however, in a small corner of the store they had erotic materials.  One of which was the duck.  I really thought after I saw the Whopper with Balls at Lovers Lane, I had witnessed all there was to witness in erotica ( note the classy use of the word erotic not sex), but I was mistaken.  Here was a pure white duck, named the iconic vibrating rubber ducky.  Well I was disturbed immediately, first, I wasn't sure what was iconic about the duck and second it was not rubber.  In fact it was hard as a rock, not even close to rubber and it was not yellow!   Most disturbing was the vibrating part.  Why?  I mean of course I know why, but why?  A duck?  Well I couldn't let it go.  So I asked the woman who worked there, "  Hi, excuse me, without getting graphic, can you tell me the point of this duck?"  I had to throw the don't get graphic thing out there because my experience at Lovers Lane, told me these clerks are NOT shy about discussing and even demonstrating how to use erotic materials.

For some reason she was not clear on the question so I elaborated, " you know, why the duck?  I mean what's the point of making a vibrating duck"  She informed me that it is a desecrate way of displaying your vibrator.  

Now, I admit, the duck is adorable.  He looks like he has a continual smile on his face.  But I am a bit old fashioned.  I sort of feel  that ones erotic materials need to be hidden away in a nightstand drawer, where any curious child or babysitter can find it and be traumatized forever.  

But the more I looked at it, the more I liked it, but I did not purchase it and we went on to read passages from Tickle his Pickle, and how to get him to beg for sex ( I thought they all do that automatically, but whatever) out loud.

I am about to get graphic now, so stop reading if you are offended easily.

  Here is an important tip we learned.  Do NOT bite a penis and do NOT gouge it with DIRTY fingernails.  Apparently, a big percentage of men don't like that.

 

Wow, you learn something new everyday.

 

Fast forward to yesterday, when Deborah and Charlotte called and asked if they could bring me a house warming gift.  Well who does not like getting gifts?  So I quickly said yes.  While I was throwing everything I own that was not in it's place, in a closet, and running a vacuum at a crazy speed, I contiplated my reaction to the gift.  I thought, " well, when I get the plant I will act excited, even though what I really want is that duck"

The great thing about having good friends is that they know you.  And that is how I came to own the Iconic Rubber (not) vibrating ducky.  

So far it is being used as a decorative piece in different places in my home.  However, I did go on the web site and found this

 

 and this

 

For only, and I am not kidding, $2,750.00, or starting at $3,250.00 you can own the above.  A little pricey but read the details

Details
– VS1 Diamonds – 28 conflict-free stones for a total of .66 carats
– Body-Safe Materials – medical-grade (and dishwasher-safe) platinum and stainless steel
– Waterproof and Bath-Friendly
– Travel-Ready – compact and good to go
– Dimensions – 5.25” x 0.67”
– Battery Included – one AA

 

Dishwasher safe!!!!!!!  Now that I have gotten rid of expelled, who was anti dishwasher, I could totally get one of these.  If I had the money, which I don't.  However, I am sure Charlotte and Deborah are reading this, and I have a feeling I know what I am getting for my 51st birthday! Although, again, sort of graphic, the whole diamond thing?  Don't they cut glass?  Not sure how good that would feel, especially at those prices.

 

So for now I am enjoying my duck.  

 

I have been photo shopping him, what did you think I was doing?  Dirty minds people!

I had today off today because the school district does not believe in celebrating Presidents day and only wants to honor Mr. Lincoln or whoever s birthday it is.  So I decided to waste the day by posting oldies but goodies pictures on Facebook.

 

I am in the third row, from the top, first kid above the fat kid, on the bottom.  And yes, he's the one who pooped his pants.  I hope you are not reading this poopy pants, because then I just outed you, and called you fat, but really what are the chances? 

I don't remember the teacher, or the other kids.  But I do remember poopy pants, because it was gross and smelled.  It wasn't just a little either, he full out pooped and if memory serves me correctly it was not a diarrhea accident. 

Of course now I feel bad for the kid, but at the time...  I mean I was seven.  I'm sure I still peed my pants, since I did that until I was pretty old.  Not that I wasn't potty trained, I was just too busy to pee.  Going to an actual bathroom was a lot of work.  I don't remember being teased for that so I don't think I did it at school.  I think I mostly did it at home when I was too busy playing.  Or maybe I did do it at school and no one noticed.  Whatever...  I do think it's weird that the only thing I do remember from this year is the poopy pants though.  I feel like I should remember more.

I know it just looks like I am a kid in her pajamas but I am pretty sure I was supposed to be a clown.  In my memory this was for Jerry's Kids and I was putting on a show.  In my memory the yard was full of kids, and I really looked like a clown.  I was the funniest clown ever and made thousands of dollars for Jerry's kids.  The reality is in the picture though, and I'm sure the $2.00 I made went to my weekly candy fix.

Memories are a funny thing.  because I'm sure if I asked a kid who was there, and again, I can't tell you who any of them were, they might say my show was lame.  Or they may not even remember my show and that would be devastating. 

This is my dad when he smoked.  It was okay to smoke back in the day, in fact it was practically the law.  He probably should not have been laying on the grass though since he had and has pretty bad allergies.  I bet he paid for that later.

This is my mom on a pay phone.  It is probably from her college days.  Do people even use pay phones anymore?  I wonder how much they are?

I don't know who this is.  His name is Paul.  I called my mom to ask who her gay friend was, named Paul.  She didn't remember any Paul and said they didn't have gay people back then.  I don't know for a fact that Paul is gay, but  he looks like he may be to me.  Paul smokes too, but like I said, you kind of had to.  My mom said Paul may have been her hairdresser.  Back then I think you could be gay if you were a hairdresser, but I'm not sure.  I'm glad gay people can have any job now, I wish they could serve in the military openly though.  Obama should really get on that.

This is me and my sister.  Unfortunately this was sort of the start of our relationship and it kind of defined us .  I know I look evil in this picture, but I think I was just misunderstood.  After all, I had a really bad hair cut and my parents smoked.  I'm pretty sure I ate a lot of lead paint too, which we now know is not a great thing. 

Anyway, all this going into the past prompted me to read comments from my Freshman year yearbook  Let me share a couple and I will respond to them.

Laura,
It was a fun year in cooking and sewing even though you made a mess of everything you touched.  Have a good summer and see ya at the rope.
 Kim

Dear Kim,
F you, my lasagna was to die for, and yes, my pants outfit fell apart in the first wash, but I don't even remember you, so ha!!!!

PS.  I won't be seeing you at the rope because I fell in the creek with my new poncho from Mexico and I'm not allowed to go there anymore.

Laura, Your a sweet nice kid and very funny at times.  I always had a laugh with you.

Kathy

Dear Kathy,
 Who are you? 

Laura,
To a real cool burnout
Liz

Liz,
Thanks man, if I remembered you I'm sure I would think you were cool too.

Laura,
Have a great summer and come back with a great sense of getting all " A's"  ( just kidding )
Love Sue

Dear Sue,
WTF.  if you knew me at all, and I don't think you did, you would know I was lucky to get C's.  Unless you did know me and the "just kidding " was really your way of making fun of my lack of academic prowess, in which case, screw you bitch.  I don't know why I even let you sign my yearbook.

To pint stuff,
so your short who cares right?  I mean what's wrong with being short?  ( He He )Well maybe I'll meet you in the bushes I mean book store.
Bernie

Dear Bernie,
So you have a small penis, who cares, right?  I mean what's wrong with having a REALLY small penis?  ( HE HE ) Well maybe I'll meet you at the erectile dysfunction center, I mean deformed Penis center.

Laura
 

The general consensus was that I was sweet, nice, and funny.  What I learned from this is that my classmates were lacking in adjectives and were not really very descriptive.   At least small penis Bernie was somewhat original.  By the way I have never seen Bernie's penis, I am just somewhat sensitive about the height issue. 

I actually don't think sweet or nice is a good way of describing me, then or now, and I am disturbed that I can only remember maybe two people who signed my yearbook. 

Maybe it was the burnout thing?   Hummm....  Memories are a funny thing. 

Edit:  Pictures of new place
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=143709&id=530676526&l=b88961b2ac

So I moved.  Yep, I have been here since Wednesday and up until yesterday things were pretty boring.  Well if you don't count the major anxiety attack I got when I got lost on the way to closing.  It wasn't really the getting lost part that made it happen, it was more due to the fact that expunge was irritating me so much I felt I had to leave that min. 

So I loaded up my little Subaru with everything I thought would fit.  No boxes of course, just clothes on hangers and giant couch cushions and other random items, just thrown in.  Well you would have to appreciate both my impatience and my poor organizational skills to understand not only how long it took me to pack the car when I had to be at closing, but also how it all ended up.  Add that to the fact that I was sure expunge who I will now call ex-pelled, was watching from the window judging and commenting to himself, which was driving me nuts.  I knew as soon as I was out in the snowy, dirty driveway, I had misjudged the size of the couch cushions, but I was going to get them in if it took me all day. Without getting them dirty and without bringing any items back in the house. And I did.  The problem was then I couldn't see out of my rear view mirror or the side mirror.  This didn't bother me, but then I got paranoid I was going to get a ticket, got lost, got anxiety attack.

Anyway, it all worked out and my wonderful friends Wayne, Sharon, and their son Duke ( not their real names) helped me move the rest of my stuff and wallah!  I'm free.  Independent, together, and very cool. 

I even put a little computer cart/desk together in about 10 hours and it only wobbles sometimes.  And I almost walked around nude, after a hot bath, once I got water ( thanks new town water dept. for turning it off after I paid), but changed my mind. 

So now I am waiting for my new neighbors to bring me cookies and welcome me to the building.  There are three of us, it's a four unit building.  The person across the hall from me, who I am assuming is a man, because size 15 shoes have been sitting outside his door since I got here, is never around.  I have not seen him once.  No noise, nothing.  I was beginning to get a little worried, when SHE came into my life.

SHE, ( I'll call her the crazy bitch) appeared after I had my first guest over.  My friend, who I'll call Diane because that's her name, inadvertently parked in front of crazy bitches garage.  It was an honest mistake, since she had never been here and I just moved.  Also, the garages are all next to each other in a row, with a sort of common driveway. 

Diane and I were having a nice chat about my cute little place when we hear the buzzer go off like 10 times in a row.  Can I just say crazy bitch could have easily walked down the stairs and knocked on the door, but instead choose to go outside and buzz me to death.  Then...

Me in friendly tone:  Hi, can I help you?

Crazy bitch in beyond furious, shaking, and screaming:  Tell your friend to move!!!!!!!  This is a private drive!  Move, now, it's private!  Tell your guests this is a private driveway!!!!!

Me in freaked out tone:  Oh, umm, sorry I just moved here and...

Crazy Bitch:  Move it NOW!!!!!!

Diane in friendly tone:  Hi, do you need me to move my car?

Crazy bitch:  Yes!!!!!!!!  Yes!!!!!!!!  Move it now!!!!!!!  NOW!!!!  Tell your guests this is a private drive.

Me sort of pissed off now :  OKAY?  wow, I'll be sure to do that.

You may be thinking that maybe crazy bitch had to go to the hospital or something, or maybe the drug store to get her crazy meds.  Maybe she needed to rush out and get laid.  But NO, she went nowhere, we looked.

Her craziness was solidified when Diane and I noticed a no smoking sign on her door.  This was not a cute little quilt thing that said, "Thanks for not smoking"  or  "hey I have asthma can you not smoke."  No, it looked like this.

 
Okay, Crazy bitch, if you don't want your guests to smoke in your condo, just tell them.  And frankly I would be shocked if she had any guests, so it's really a moot point.  The sign is ugly and overkill.

I can't remember what she looked like but these images are close

or was it this

So I guess I'm not getting any lemon squares and an invitation to the building welcome tea.  Big shoes could be dead in there for all I know, and obviously crazy bitch and I had a little neighborly dispute.

Maybe in a few days, she will bring me a tuna casserole and apologize for being a crazy bitch.  She'll tell me how her husband cheated on her with a younger woman, and that her menopause has made her psycho.   She will beg me to be her friend and tell me to park in front of her garage all I want.  We will exchange keys and gossip about big shoes.  But for now I have told everyone to park in the street five miles away and DO NOT accidentally buzz her, and when I buzz them in they should run, not walk to my door.
  Which by the way will have this sign on it

That's right I am talking about Comcast.
 But let me back up first.  For those of you who know me or have followed this blog for awhile, I have big news.  I am expunging myself from expunge.  Yes, you heard correctly, I am moving on.  Cutting the cord, hitting the road, and all that jazz. 
My mother and I have decided that living with expunge ( former semi ex ) while he dates  lady, friend, ( see previous blogs) is not conducive to mental health.  So she made it possible for me to detach myself from the situation. 

I am pretty sure I intimidated , lady friend, and that is both pleasing and scary at the same time.
Anyway, my new digs are in a Town that is considered kind of undesirable.  However, I like it, it's very clean, and it was affordable. 

Unfortunately, the only internet/cable service is good old Comcast.  Utility companies, in general, piss me off, and I have a feeling that New Town Public Works is going to be right up there with Comcast, but for now they ( meaning Comcast) are at the top of my shit list.

For awhile now I thought the facility I work for, Safeway Youth Care, were the only people who hired the dumbest, most illiterate, homeless people, on the planet.  I now realize Comcast also has this hiring practice.  And I have to say I have no tolerance for it. 
After trying, unsuccessfully, to cut off service at expunge's ( he says he can't afford it right now), and get new service, and get MY social security # off HIS account, I had to call them AGAIN today for a service issue.

After many hours minutes of pressing one, and yelling NO when they ask " you said you wanted HBO right?" I finally get a technician.  I explain my issue which was with my DVR.  He says, " oh, well you discontinued your service so that's the problem."  I explain, NO, that is NOT the problem since I am getting all the channels and on demand, the problem is with the recording option on the DVR.  My service should not be interrupted until the 25th, of Jan.  He connects me to the people who disconnect and connect service. 

I explain to the woman, vagina, or some other ridiculous name, that I am having a problem with my DVR and I should not be disconnected she tells me she can't help me because I am not disconnected yet, and I will need to speak to a technician and what is my mothers maiden name and for security purposes can I please tell them the exact date I lost my virginity.

OMG!!!!!  Needless to say, I was very proud of the fact that I did not climb through the phone lines and strangle Areola or whatever her name was.

But I'm not one to complain (as you all know), so I am moving on up, focusing on the positive as always and making sure I have all my ducks in a row.

 

What???  No, what I meant was 

 

Okay, I just thought that was cute, nothing to do with Comcast or moving.

In case anyone is wondering, sure I'll miss expunge, sort of.  I mean who will tell me not to let the water run the whole time I am brushing my teeth, and who will say " someone spilled in front of the refrigerator and didn't clean it up well,"  and  who will ask if they can teach me how to do the dishes the " right " way? 

And how lonely will it be to clean my own toilet, knowing I'm basically the only one who uses it? 

Who will tell me I am poisoning myself with Tylenol, while they light up a smoke?  And who will remind me that water, when consumed, cures EVERYTHING, even allergies ( which are all in my head anyway)?  

I am just hoping my new neighbors give me plenty of blogging fodder, and that New Town Public Works does not prove to be Comcast the 2nd.

Question:  Can Comcast sue me for this blog?  Did I say Comcast?  Opps, sorry I meant CastCom.  

For all you visual people, sorry no pictures today.  And that's a shame since this entry is seXual in nature.  You all will just have to be satisfied with my descriptive writing.

The whole thing started with my friend Sharon ( not her real name). Recently Sharon and I have done a few things together that have caused people to question our sexuality.  The first thing we did was go to The Sybaris, a hotel for lovers only, so that she could book a room for her and her husband Wayne's ( not his real name ) anniversary. 

The first thing I noticed there was a thing called the Wedge.  The Wedge is a giant pillow shaped like a wedge.  Let me just say, you can buy a wedge pillow for twenty bucks at Walmart and use it for things like reading in bed etc...  This Wedge however, was around $100.00 and used for sexual purposes.  Person one lays on the wedge so that person two has good angles to " do" person one. 

I'll be the first to admit that although I am 49 years old, I am very immature when it comes to sex.  So the first thing I do is laugh.  Then I say loudly, " Sharon, check out this way too expensive wedge".  " How stupid is this ? " Just use regular pillows for free. "  Sharon turns beet red because she is very innocent and sheltered and it took a lot for her to even book the Sybaris.  She says " uh huh."  So then, not letting it go, I say, " No seriously, do NOT let Wayne buy this wedge, you could just lay on your stomach like the girl in the picture is doing, with regular pillows.  "$100.00, wow, what a rip off, really Sharon, trust me, you be creative, your already dropping enough money here." I am pretty sure that although I mentioned Wayne a few times, the clerk still thought we were a couple.  Which was fine by me since I am gay friendly.

After the whole Sybaris thing, Sharon and I are very comfortable with people thinking we are lesbians, which is a good thing, since when she took me house hunting, the realtor definitely thought we were a couple.  Even though I made it clear the house would be just for me, she kept trying to figure out what Sharon had to do with it.  She finally decided I wanted to live near Sharon and we just let her think whatever she wanted.

Now that Sharon and I are an unofficial couple, and she has spent a night at the Sybaris with Wayne, ( they didn't buy the wedge), she has decided I am her go to girl for all things sexual.

So she calls me yesterday to inform me that Lovers Lane, the nearby sex store is having a fifty percent off sale and wonders if I want to go with her.  I am totally up for it, one because I need a distraction from the fact that expunge brought the skanky, weathered, lady friend, over that morning, and second, because I am fun.

" Can I bring my camera?"  I ask.  She says no because she has not taken a shower, but I know that's not why.  I decide it will still be fun, even if I can't take pictures.

The first thing Sharon and I do is head over to the dildo/vibrator section even though neither of us are planning on buying one.  This is mostly because the place is really busy, and no one is in this section. 

I am prepared to get rid of any pushy clerk, since the last time I was there a couple years ago, they were VERY forward and really tried to sell me on huge vibrators and other expensive toys.  And even though I made it clear I wasn't interested, they still pushed.

Fortunately for us, this time, they are busy with "real" customers, who are not immature and not sheltered or shy. 

Personally, I am shocked at peoples openness.  The sales clerks were discussing orgasms and penetration with people, like you would discuss the virtues of a new car.  It's just very disconcerting when one is laughing about a giant Afro - American Whooper with Balls, and you hear right next to you "  This is guaranteed to give her wonderful orgasms if used correctly."  And the customer looks fascinated and not at all embarrassed.

While we are talking about how the testicles didn't seem to be a necessary component to the Afro -American Whooper with Balls fake penis, I get a call.  It just happens to be my friend and my kid's former choir director, Tom ( not his real name).  " OMG, it's Tom, I am totally telling him how you dragged me here"  I say to Sharon.  Tom seems taken aback when I tell him Sharon and I are at Lovers Lane looking at Whoopers.  He also seems to be confused as to why they are open on New Years Day, why they are having a sale, and more importantly why we are there."  Even though I practically yell into the phone that Sharon is actually holding the African American Whooper, as we speak, he still seems confused as to why we are there and asks if " isn't Sharon Lutheran?", which she confirmed as being the case.  Apparently, Lutherans are not usually shopping for a fake black penis, or anything similar to one. 

After it is made clear that Tom is NOT interested in how Sharon won't buy Wayne a little leather skirt covering for his wee wee ( I told you I'm immature), I get off the phone. 

I am annoyed that I don't have my camera, since I want Sharon to take a picture of me playing on the swing, with stirrups, apparatus, that is hanging in the middle of the store.  I'm not sure how to use it, or what it's for, but it looks kind of fun, and definitely profile picture worthy. 

I almost bought some oils that had pheromones in them, but we couldn't figure out if they were meant to attract males or females.  Although as I said, I am gay friendly, I didn't want to waste five bucks on something that would have women swarming all over me.  Besides, I thought they smelled horrible and didn't understand how they could make one a "sexual magnet."  Sharon agreed.  The most I would attract with the oils would be a mangy dog, and that would be pushing it.

Sharon ended up getting some good, smelling, massage oils, which Tom pointed out could be bought at a non sex store.  However, he seems to have missed the whole sale aspect and the fact that looking at giant Afro - American, Whoopers with Balls is the only way to start the New Year off.

Some people don't know what they're missing.

 

 

Is anyone still here???  Oh well, thought I'd bring " everyone " up to date in the life of me.  Let's call it one of those annoying holiday update letters.

Dear everyone I know and don't know,
Happy Holidays.  Or not.

 2009 has both sucked and been good to the expunge family.  I have officially lost approximately 35 pounds since sometime in August, depending on the time of day and the  scale I obsessively go on. Everyone asks me how I did it, well wouldn't you like to know?  No, in truth, I just cut the calories.  And stress, major stress?  Always a good weight loss tool.  Nope, not really exercising, I figure I'll see how it looks when it's all off and if it needs some firming up I'll do it.  Maybe.   Or maybe I'll be a bag of flabby bones, we'll see.

This isn't me.

I got Jennie out of my bedroom!!!!!  Can I just say, having ones grown daughter in your room is paramount to living in an insane asylum.  I would like to personally give props to people who live in huts with their entire family and extended family. 

Hut family

You guys are amazing  ^^^^^ ( don't know who the white dude is in the picture).  Anyway, she got an apartment with boyfriend Jeff.  She was able to do that because she got a JOB!!!!!!!!!!  This was probably the best news of the year.  Since this holiday letter is to everyone I know, I won't tell you the name of her company, since stalkers are bad.  I'll just call it McSlave Trukk.  It's an industrial supply company and she gets everything for cost.  They even have tampon dispensers!!!!!  I was hoping she would get me one for Hanukkah, but she got me Jersey Boy tickets instead.  Oh well, I'll settle.  She is a web designer.  She knows nothing about web design, but they pay well, and she gets great benefits.

Matt will probably get pissed off if I share any news about him, so in order to promote holiday cheer, I'll let him write his own holiday letter if he chooses to do so.

I was excited that with Matt at school, that left me an expunge all alone, which is always nice since we don't really have to interact that way.  Unfortunately, it looks like expunge may have gotten himself a lady friend.  I know, right?  I was shocked too.  That means I may have to permanently expunge, expunge.  I know, I was waiting for the sugar daddy, but to be honest I didn't really put myself out there.  You know how it is, work and life get in the way and sugar daddy searching takes a back seat.

That isn't me either.

This is me
 

Here is a picture of me.  I look like I'm on drugs, which I may or may not be ( not going to confirm or deny)  I am including it in this holiday letter because we didn't take holiday family pictures and some of my extended family hasn't seen me since summer. Plus, I am thinking of using it for my find a sugar daddy add, my sugar daddy will be at least 95, so it doesn't have to be the best picture.  I think I look fatter than I really am in this picture, but maybe I have that body dysmorphic thing.  Either way it's better than a few months ago.

Work is going well for me, the bad boys have been pretty good, with the exception of Friday when one of the crazy kids went crazy.  Unfortunately, Expunge has joined the ranks of the unemployed.  Yep, unemployed and still gets a lady friend.  The world is upside down if you ask me. 

I finally gave in and tried the elephant mask for my sleep apnea.   I decided after losing the weight I no longer had it, but my doctor said it's not a fat disease.  So I got the elephant mask and it SUCKS!!!!!!  I'm afraid I am going to have to be one of those people who give up on the mask.  I  mean who really designs these things?  The one I have now has so many Velcro tabs, you have to be an engineer to use it.


And your hair gets stuck.  Unless you want to shave your head bald like in the above picture I would not suggest getting one.  So for now it just lays on the floor from when I threw it off a week ago.

I apologize for the length of this holiday letter, but a lot has happened this year.  My favorite show of 2009 was Glee.  Sue is my girl!!!!!!  If you have never seen it, shame on you.  I also got hooked on Dexter, and Mad Men, and I am liking Modern Family.  I am excited about Ellen and American Idol and could care less who is on board with that.

I brought my diabetes down so I now allow myself a little more than cheese and water, not much though cause I'm watching the calories. 

Well, unfortunately expunge is home now as often happens when you're unemployed, and it's putting a cramp or crimp ( whatever ) in my creative, holiday letter, style.  So, maybe I'll catch up with you all in another three months.  Until then, Ba Hum Bug from me, and don't get so drunk you puke on New Years Eve.

Oh, and I am now obsessed with the game Farmville, on Facebook, even though I think it's one of the worst, stupid, non intelligent, horrible, freeze my computer, games around. 

I love my farm!!!!!!

Much love,

Momofjenmatt ( Laura)