Chicago

  • Busted in Chicago and puppet porn

    I got home today and got a letter from the Chicago Dept of revenue.  I had no idea who that was and almost threw it away.  It turned out it was a $100.00 running a red light ticket.  The proof, a small before and after picture of my van running a red light.  Then a bigger picture of my license plate.   The picture was grainy and in black and white, but I'm still pretty sure they got me.  Since it was black and white I almost wanted them to prove it was red, but I think the position of the darkest one, gives it away. 
    Expunge does not think I have to pay it since it didn't come in registered mail.  I have to agree.  First, Dept. of revenue does not even sound like a running, red, light, traffic , thing.   It sounds like City of Chicago's way to make money.  I mean seriously, it's almost impossible to NOT run a red light in Chicago.  They change so fast, people are always walking when  it's your turn,  and the busses and cabs cut you off and make you all nervous.  Also, whatever happened to good old fashioned police stopping.  If there  is  no cop around, your supposed to get away with this stuff.  $100.00, give me a break!  Talk about a rip off.  It's not like I was drunk driving or something.   How can they prove I got the letter?  Do they have a camera on me getting my mail?  It actually wouldn't surprise me.  Big Brother is always watching you .
    Not only that, it happened a month ago.  I didn't even realize I did it.  I think I should be able to plea insanity or something. 
    I hate driving in Chicago.  In fact, I think driving in a major city should be outlawed.  It is the most nerve wracking experience.  I'm surprised more people are not hit by cars in the city.  No one pays attention, and people just walk across the street, even when it says don't walk. 
    New York is worse though.  You couldn't pay me to drive in that city.  The cabs go 100 miles and hour and practically mow people down. 
    I just remarked to Matt the other day how much I liked the city of Chicago.  It's a very clean city, very pretty.  But now I know why.  They can afford to be clean because they are charging $100.00 to every random person who accidentally runs the red lights. 
    Well I'm not paying.  They can just find another way to pay their street cleaners.  I will also be taking a train from now on. 
    In fact, I am going to see Avenue Q with a friend, her daughter, and Matt on Friday.  We WILL NOT be driving.  We will however be seeing puppet porn.  I just learned an entire song is all about making noise when your having sex.  Apparently, the puppets have oral sex and try out different positions during the song.  My friend said we might learn something.  I don't think I want to learn from puppets, and I definitely don't want to learn with my 19 year old son sitting next to me.  I'm really not the kinky type, so puppet sex is not my thing.  But it got great reviews and since were taking the train, no $100.00 fine letters will be coming.
     If we have time I think I should go to the Chicago Department of Revenue and spit gum on their sidewalk. 

    I bet the sexual puppets don't have these problems. 

  • Sweet home Chicago.  What a glaring difference between the friendliness of Nashville and the meanness of Chicago.  For example, upon arriving in Chicago, I asked an Ohare guy where United Baggage claim was?  Instead of getting the response "  Well, bless your heart ( which bad dogma tells me means,   'aren't you stupid' ) your standin rot hair hon" I get "Your looking at it" with a rude grunt. 
     Even so, I have decided I am not getting my permanent hotel room in the south.  They are just too slow for me.  Lines take forever, instead of someone just getting their item and moving on, they have to chat, "  You won't some cream fur that coffee hon?"  " No thanks sweetie, I'll jist take it black today, what with that weather were havin, it jist seems like the best thang"  "  I know whut ya mean, it's colder than a..."
    By the time it's my turn to order, I have heard about Paster John and his boring sermon last Sunday, the weather report for the next two years and poor Mrs. Jones and all those doggone cats.




    The plane ride home was " interesting."  I got stuck next to an overly smiley girl in her mid twenties.  I was all set to be my nonfriendly Chicago self and opened my new Jodi Picoult book.  She didn't get the hint, " So are you headed home or going?" she asks " home" I say trying not to look up from my book.  "  Oh, me too," she says  "I was just visiting my sister at school, I used to go there too"  Still not looking up I ask, " Really?  What school is that?"  "Bla bla bla Missionary school" she says, as she practically does a cheer leading move. 

    Well this is GREAT!  I have several options here as I know it's her job to save me.  I know there is no getting out of it, I just have to think of the most painless way.  She seemed like a sweet girl, so I didn't want to tell her that people get turned off by evangelizing.  I didn't want to grill her about her success rate and tell her it actually made people run in the other direction. She might cry, or worse it would spur on a conversation that would just frustrate both of us.  I briefly thought of lying and telling her I attended the Church of Jesus was a nice Jewish Boy Untied Chosen.  But I thought she might ask me questions and it was too early for that.  So instead I asked the flight attendant for a pillow ( which was as pillow like, as a wad of toilet paper) and attempted to sleep.

     I did okay until landing.  She was still there, still smiling when I " woke" from my fake nap.  We both knew there wasn't much time left, it was going to happen, so rather than have her chase me through the airport, I turn to her and smile back.  "  I found this" she says giving me a little booklet that can fit in the palm of my hand, " it's really funny".  I had a feeling it was not the kind of funny I was used to.  I shove it in my purse and say " thank you so much"  hoping this will be it.  People are departing the plane, I think I am safe, when she asks " do you go to church where you live?"  Even though I knew it was coming, even though I had two hours of a fake nap to be prepared, I hear myself saying " not really".   Not really!  Who said that?  That was the worst thing to say, I should have gone with the nice Jewish boy thing. I quickly pushed past her and squeezed in between the couple who sat behind us. 


    I practically ran through the airport to ditch her.  I looked at her booklet in the car.  The front has the title Every Thing Man Has Learned About Women, the rest of the pages are blank except for the last one.  That page lists sins you may or may not have committed and how you can be saved.  On the back cover it says "  If you have broken those commandments, God sees you as a lying, thieving, blasphemous, adulter-at - heart, and your eternal destiny is Hell.  Woah, well even if I did think the man knowing woman thing was funny, I sure wasn't laughing now.  I wonder if I am a adulter- at- heart?  The little booklet didn't exactly explain, but it says " Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after has committed adultery already with her in his heart" Which I believe is taken from the Bible. I am pretty sure I'm safe on that front, although I am not an expert by any means.  Oh well, regardless, I am pretty much screwed according the the little book.

     I kind of think she committed a sin, by giving me this misleading joke book,  that was sort of a lie, as there was only one joke and it wasn't that funny.  Plus, my ass she " found" the little book, but who am I to judge?

    Off to take a real nap.  All that thinking wore me out.

    I know I have a lot of Christian readers, so I hope your not offended.  Most of you seem to have a good sense of humor, but you never know.  New readers especially, this is not for the " normal" Christian person.  If your offended you probably shouldn't be reading this blog anyway.