Last night expunge ( ex husband who I live with) went up to our neighboring state of Wisconsin for a fish fry.
If my mother is reading this she might say " but you hate fish, except the tuna kind in a can with mayo", and she would be correct. However, expunge loves fish, and I didn't want him to feel like a third wheel. I know, have you ever known anyone to be as nice to their ex as I am?
Anyway, I liked the company, our friends Kitty and Jack ( not their real names). So we go to the fish fry and I get a salad which is really besides the point, and we have a nice time. After dinner we listened to a bunch of old guys sing country Karaoke and we headed home.
Jack drove there and the roads were kind of twisty turny as they often are in Wisconsin. A margarita and a couple beers were not conductive to driving home, so Kitty drove home.
On the way there Kitty and I sat in back, and the boys sat up front. That seemed fine, because then Kitty and I could gossip about mutual friends and what not without yelling. Any mutual friends reading this, it wasn't you.
On the way home Kitty and I were in front, and the boys were in back, which did seem kind of weird, but expunge had drunk two margaritas, and their back seat was small. Frankly, I didn't want to be stuck back there in case he tried to get fresh with me.
So we are driving along the twisty, turny roads, when all of a sudden we see HIM.
A hidden cop.
Kitty slams on the breaks and takes her foot off the accelerator. :side note: If anyone knows what it is called when you take your foot off the accelerator and it increases in speed, let me know as Kitty was frustrated she could not think of the word.
You guessed it, Officer Fish Fry ( Jack's name for him) stops the car.
I immediately revert to the days when we used to drink and drive in neighboring Wisconsin, as the drinking age was lower there. Of course it was practically legal to drink and drive then, but we may have had marijuana too. And they were getting strict about that in the late 70's.
Me to Kitty: Be cool man. we can get out of this
Me to guys in the back: Just be cool, keep your mouths shut
Kitty: Shit!
Officer Fish Fry: Good evening, do you know why I stopped you?
Kitty: Umm, no, yeah kind of.
Officer Fish Fry: Well mam, you were going 38 mph, the speed limit is 25 mph
Kitty: Oh, well, I just kind of whipped around that corner and the road is really smooth.
Me: She DID NOT WHIP!!!!! THAT"S NOT WHAT SHE MEANT.
Great, this was not going well. Kitty was being super uncool. She's screwed.
I was just glad the boys were being quiet back there.
Officer Fish fry: Mam, I am going to need to see your license and registration and if I could have everyone in the vehicles ID too please.
Expunge: All of us?
Officer Fish Fry: yes sir, if you all check out I'll just give you a warning.
We give him our licenses and he goes to his squad car to check us out.
Expunge: WTF, why did we have to do that? This is BullS@#t.
Me: Shut up!!!!! Unless you have a warrant she's going to get a warning, I told you she could get out of it.
Expunge: I don't have to shut up, I can say whatever I want, besides he's not even here
Me: No you can't.
Jack: I bet he thinks we're gay, sitting back here together.
Expunge: Uh Oh, my license expired on the 3rd.
Me: Damit, expunge, now we are really screwed. wait, you're not driving. Can we get in trouble if your not driving? Why DID he take all our licenses?
Jack: Your pretty lucky Kitty, I'm not going to say anything but I told you to drive the speed limit around here.
Me: I thought you weren't going to say anything
Kitty: Shit
Me: Kitty, what was that crap about whipping around the curve and the roads being smooth? Very un cool. You're supposed to be sorry and say thank you about the warning.
Kitty: I WILL and what do you have a tape recorder brain or something? I can't even remember what I said. He was shinning that flash light in my eyes.
Jack: Is he cute? He seemed like he had a nice body.
Kitty: He is cute.
Expunge: You know, this is really BS. he can't take all our licenses, we could have refused.
Jack: Then she would have gotten a ticket.
Me: I think it's because you guys look like murders or something. I am NOT going down for this.
Jack: What's taking so long? It's all your fault Expunge. You probably have a warrant.
Me: Even if we were convicted felons, I don't know what that has to do with Kitty's speeding.
Expunge: EXACTLY!
Kitty: You know, this really isn't my fault, what's that word for what happens when you take your foot off the accelerator and it keeps going fast?
Jack: cruising?
Kitty: No, that word, you know
Me: still accelerating
Kitty: No the other thing
Jack: If one of you has a past he can search the car
Me: No he can't, I could be an ax murderer, that is NOT probable cause
Jack : yes it is
Me: Is not! I was a criminal justice major.
Officer fish fry: Okay Mrs. Jack, I am giving you a warning, but be careful on these roads, a ticket would have been $78.00, now you have no court date or anything.
Officer fish fry said this in a way that showed he really expected kitty to be overly grateful
Kitty: thanks. : throws warning at me, and I shove it in her glove box
Jack: Make sure you signal when you go out
Kitty pulls out without signaling.
Jack: Dammit Kit, I said signal, he's gonna stop you again
Kitty: Oh please I was already in the road
Me: ( Yawn ) That was strange, I'm glad we didn't end up in the pokey.
Kitty: You're not allowed to blog about this
Hey if you're my friend, anything that happens is up for grabs.
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