jail

  • Almost in the pokey, a somewhat long story

    Last night expunge ( ex husband who I live with) went up to our neighboring state of Wisconsin for a fish fry.

    If my mother is reading this she might say "  but you hate fish, except the tuna kind in a can with mayo", and she would be correct.  However, expunge loves fish, and I didn't want him to feel like a third wheel I know, have you ever known anyone to be as nice to their ex as I am?

    Anyway, I liked the company, our friends Kitty and Jack ( not their real names).  So we go to the fish fry and I get a salad which is really besides the point, and we have a nice time.  After dinner we listened to a bunch of old guys sing country Karaoke and we headed home.

    Jack drove there and the roads were kind of twisty turny as they often are in Wisconsin.  A margarita and a couple beers were not conductive to driving home, so Kitty drove home.

    On the way there Kitty and I sat in back, and the boys sat up front.  That seemed fine, because then Kitty and I could gossip about mutual friends and what not without yelling.  Any mutual friends reading this, it wasn't you.

    On the way home Kitty and I were in front, and the boys were in back, which did seem kind of weird, but expunge had drunk two margaritas, and their back seat was small.  Frankly, I didn't want to be stuck back there in case he tried to get fresh with me.
     
    So we are driving along the twisty, turny roads, when all of a sudden we see HIM.

    A hidden cop.

    Kitty slams on the breaks and takes her foot off the accelerator.  :side note:  If anyone knows what it is called when you take your foot off the accelerator and it increases in speed, let me know as Kitty was frustrated she could not think of the word.

    You guessed it, Officer Fish Fry ( Jack's name for him) stops the car. 

      I immediately revert to the days when we used to drink and drive in neighboring Wisconsin, as the drinking age was lower there.  Of course it was practically legal to drink and drive then, but we may have had marijuana too.   And they were getting strict about that in the late 70's. 

    Me to Kitty:  Be cool man.  we can get out of this

    Me to guys in the back:  Just be cool, keep your mouths shut

    Kitty:  Shit!

    Officer Fish Fry:  Good evening, do you know why I stopped you?

    Kitty:  Umm, no, yeah kind of.

    Officer Fish Fry:  Well mam, you were going 38 mph, the speed limit is 25 mph

    Kitty:  Oh, well, I just kind of whipped around that corner and the road is really smooth.

    Me:  She DID NOT WHIP!!!!!  THAT"S NOT WHAT SHE MEANT.

    Great, this was not going well.  Kitty was being super uncool.  She's screwed.

    I was just glad the boys were being quiet back there.

    Officer Fish fry:  Mam, I am going to need to see your license and registration and if I could have everyone in the vehicles ID too please.

    Expunge:  All of us?

    Officer Fish Fry:  yes sir, if you all check out I'll just give you a warning.

    We give him our licenses and he goes to his squad car to check us out.

    Expunge:  WTF, why did we have to do that?  This is BullS@#t.

    Me:  Shut up!!!!!  Unless you have a warrant she's going to get a warning, I told you she could get out of it.

    Expunge:  I don't have to shut up, I can say whatever I want, besides he's not even here

    Me:  No you can't.

    Jack:  I bet he thinks we're gay, sitting back here together.

    Expunge:  Uh Oh, my license expired on the 3rd.

    Me:  Damit, expunge, now we are really screwed.  wait, you're not driving.  Can we get in trouble if your not driving?  Why DID he take all our licenses?

    Jack:  Your pretty lucky Kitty, I'm not going to say anything but I told you to drive the speed limit around here.

    Me:  I thought you weren't going to say anything

    Kitty:  Shit

    Me:  Kitty, what was that crap about whipping around the curve and the roads being smooth?  Very un cool.  You're supposed to be sorry and say thank you about the warning. 

    Kitty:  I WILL and what do you have a tape recorder brain or something? I can't even remember what I said.  He was shinning that flash light in my eyes.

    Jack:  Is he cute? He seemed like he had a nice body.

    Kitty:  He is cute.

    Expunge:  You know, this is really BS. he can't take all our licenses, we could have refused.

    Jack:  Then she would have gotten a ticket.

    Me:  I think it's because you guys look like murders or something.  I am NOT going down for this.

    Jack:  What's taking so long?  It's all your fault Expunge.  You probably have a warrant.

    Me:  Even if we were convicted felons, I don't know what that has to do with Kitty's speeding.

    Expunge:  EXACTLY!

    Kitty:  You know, this really isn't my fault, what's that word for what happens when you take your foot off the accelerator and it keeps going fast?

    Jack:  cruising?

    Kitty:  No, that word, you know

    Me:  still accelerating

    Kitty:  No the other thing

    Jack:  If one of you has a past he can search the car

    Me:  No he can't, I could be an ax murderer, that is NOT probable cause

    Jack : yes it is

    Me:  Is not!  I was a criminal justice major.

    Officer fish fry:  Okay Mrs. Jack, I am giving you a warning, but be careful on these roads, a ticket would have been $78.00, now you have no court date or anything.

    Officer fish fry said this in a way that showed he really expected kitty to be overly grateful

    Kitty:  thanks.  : throws warning at me, and I shove it in her glove box

    Jack:  Make sure you signal when you go out

    Kitty pulls out without signaling. 

    Jack:  Dammit Kit, I said signal, he's gonna stop you again

    Kitty:  Oh please I was already in the road

    Me:  ( Yawn )  That was strange, I'm glad we didn't end up in the pokey. 

    Kitty:  You're not allowed to blog about this

    Hey if you're my friend, anything that happens is up for grabs.


  • Jail - The Simple Life

    I guess Paris Hilton is a little distressed about the possibility of going to jail.  I have often thought about if I could handle jail.  Not because I run around robbing and murdering people, but because I think weirdly.

    I have decided I would not be able to handle jail.  There's the obvious reasons, being raped by big Bertha and her broom, bad food, and not having my own TV.  But a big reason is the bathroom situation.  In jail you have to go in front of everyone.  I was uncomfortable peeing in front of our old cat, I can't even imagine doing it out in the open for all to see. The thought horrifies me. 

    Then there is the noise, every time I see one of those Lock Up shows, I notice it's very noisy and there is an echo.  This is similar to how it sounds at work, but at least I can go home.

    I could not sleep in jail.  I need total silence, total darkness, and Ambian. 

    I think if I was in jail I would do something on purpose that would get me sent to the hole.  The hole, for all you non cool jail lingo people, is solitary confinement. 

    This is what I suggest for Paris.  She would have her mattress on the floor and I think it's designed to drive you crazy, but she wouldn't have to deal with the rest of the inmates. 

    Maybe Nicole will do something that puts her in jail too.  Then they could fly kites to each other.  These are notes you pass to other inmates.  They could pretend they are back in elementary school.  That might make it easier for her. 

    Since Nicole doesn't eat she could give her meals to the fat inmates in return for something Paris might want, like drugs.

    I don't know what she is going to do about the bathroom situation.  Maybe Bertha will make sure she has privacy.

    I don't think Arnold is going to give her a pardon.  I would be shocked if he did.  And mad.  You play you pay.  That's just how it is. 

    I'm not going to do anything that lands me in jail.  Paris if your reading this, I hope my jail survival tips have helped.  Hey, Martha did just fine, I'm sure you'll be fine too. 

    It's really the epitome of the simple life.