Years ago I belonged to a book club that I joined in the old neighborhood.  Now, I love this neighborhood in so many ways, but some of the women there are throw backs to some era I wasn't even born into.

And when I belonged to book club there wasn't a lot of diversity in the neighborhood.  Basically I was the token Jew.

 No matter what book or topic we get on, I am the resident expert on all things Jewish, whether it be The Old Testament (  I know about as much as I remember from 1st grade Sunday school), Hebrew ( sorry Hebrew school drop out), history of the Jewish people ( umm NO!) .   Even if the book has nothing to do with religion or culture, it always came back to my being Jewish.

 They also acted like I am related to every Jewish  person alive or dead " Laura, do you know Adam Sandler?"    One woman was so shocked that I ate a ham roll up.  Actually, appalled would be a better word.

The following is NOT a real conversation at book club, however it is very close to the truth and having said that I can not be accused of lying like the guy who wrote A Million Little Pieces.

Ethal:  Well ladies what did you all think about the book?  Laura you must have found page 75 fascinating!

Me:  ( turning to page 75 )  No, what is on this page, I don't remember this sticking out in my mind why?

Broomhilda:  Oh yes, Laura,  I marked that page off so I would remember to ask you a question.  Now she is eating lox in this passage, that's a Jewish food right?

Me:  What? I guess.  What? Wait, was that supposed to be the fascinating part? The lox?  Sorry I'm confused? ( still skimming 75 trying to find the part I was supposed to be fascinated with).

Midge:   Lox is like that other Jewish fish right, kafilthy fish?

Me:  It's Gefilte fish, and I am sorry I'm lost here,  I did want to comment on something in the book though,

  I thought the relationship between Lisa and Tom was indicative of how society has changed in the last fifty years.

Alice:   Yes I agree,  When I was a little girl I actually knew a Jewish girl and she went to church with our family one day.  Well, let me tell you, her parents got so upset because our pastor told her the truth, you know, that she was going to hell.   So I thought it was great that Tom took Lisa to the church, although I was hoping Lisa would accept Jesus into her heart.

Me:  Humm, OK, I don't think Tom took her to the church to convert her, they were going to a wedding.

Lenora:  Laura, your people don't go to church right?

Diane:  No, they go to Temple or synagogue, we are so off topic here, the different faiths of Tom and Lisa didn't have anything to do with the plot or story line.  And what's with the talk about fish?  What does that have to do with anything?

Janis:  Now Diane calm down,  I think book club is more than just discussing the book.  I personally love when Laura can share her heritage and faith with us.  It's nice to learn about other people.  I admit to knowing very little about Jews.  It's OK to call you Jews right? Things have to be so PC. now a days The other day I called " my girl"  colored and my daughter was so upset.

Frieda:  OK, OK girls lets get to the racy parts  (giggling) I highlighted pg. 82 that was steamy!  But Laura,  I did have a question for you.

Me: shoot.

Frieda:  Now, Harry was clearly a good lover  (giggling again) but I thought Jewish men, well you know?

Me: no what?

Frieda:  Well, they have that ritual for baby boys, it's like OUR circumcision but they take more off right?  I mean don't they have a priest, no, not a priest, a Rabbi, yes that's it a Rabbi,  he comes and does something to the baby boy's you know what?  No, it's not a Rabbi, it's a mole, that's it a mole, he comes and the ritual, it's a Bross, no brist, no brass, oh never mind, my point is when the mole cuts it all off I would think that would hinder his, shall we say performance. ( laughs really hard).

Me:  Oh look at the time, it's been great ladies but I really have to go.

Alice: no, please don't go I got theme food in honor of the book,  I got bagels and matzoh and I thought we could all try a little lox.

Broomhilda:  Lox that's a Jewish food right?

I don't go to book club anymore, and I rarely have to explain to people why we can't take off eight days of work for Hanukkah, although I personally think that would be great.

At least I'm not Muslim, " So Laura, your people kill other people right?"

 

 

 

Some of you may or may not know that Jews have Chinese food on Christmas and see movies.  Easter is just like any other Sunday I think for most Jews.  When I was little we did color eggs because one, it was fun, two, eggs are on sale this time of year and three, my mom wanted to.   We didn't have little kits or anything, we had food coloring and vinegar.  I'm pretty sure we got Jelly Beans too ( also probably on sale) and those disgusting peeps.  Although they can be very tasty in a salad

And my mother actually hid the hard boiled eggs we colored.  I think a couple times we didn't find them all, and mom couldn't remember all her hiding places.  You can imagine how that turned out. 

I actually believed in the Easter Bunny.  Looking back on it, I wasn't the brightest kid on the block.  I mean really, a giant bunny that actually looks like a person in a costume, comes by and does what exactly?  And how does he get in?  No one tells you that part.  And does he hop the whole way by himself?  It's all to vague.  Especially for a little Jewish kid, who may or may not have had a basket, and definitely did not get presents like her Christian friends.  But I believed anyway, which tells me I used to be either really dumb or an eternal optimist. 

I happen to like hard boiled eggs, and have recently learned to like egg salad. So this is a decent time of year for me. I like the candy too, especially now that there are actually Life Savor and Starburst Jelly Beans.  And of course the chocolate bunnies and good old peeps if your desperate.  The bad news is those are off my list as of late.  This is because of the diabetes, not the Jew thing. 

Next month is Passover.  No worries on food choices there.  Gefilte fish and horseradish?  Yeah, I'll pass.  Passover has candy too, but it's almost worse than the peeps, so I'll pass on that too. 

So basically Easter Sunday is pretty much the same as any other Sunday for us Jews. 

I wonder if the Chinese restaurant is open?

Happy Easter or as we Jews would say Happy Eggs are on Sale week.

Sweet home Chicago.  What a glaring difference between the friendliness of Nashville and the meanness of Chicago.  For example, upon arriving in Chicago, I asked an Ohare guy where United Baggage claim was?  Instead of getting the response "  Well, bless your heart ( which bad dogma tells me means,   'aren't you stupid' ) your standin rot hair hon" I get "Your looking at it" with a rude grunt. 
 Even so, I have decided I am not getting my permanent hotel room in the south.  They are just too slow for me.  Lines take forever, instead of someone just getting their item and moving on, they have to chat, "  You won't some cream fur that coffee hon?"  " No thanks sweetie, I'll jist take it black today, what with that weather were havin, it jist seems like the best thang"  "  I know whut ya mean, it's colder than a..."
By the time it's my turn to order, I have heard about Paster John and his boring sermon last Sunday, the weather report for the next two years and poor Mrs. Jones and all those doggone cats.

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The plane ride home was " interesting."  I got stuck next to an overly smiley girl in her mid twenties.  I was all set to be my nonfriendly Chicago self and opened my new Jodi Picoult book.  She didn't get the hint, " So are you headed home or going?" she asks " home" I say trying not to look up from my book.  "  Oh, me too," she says  "I was just visiting my sister at school, I used to go there too"  Still not looking up I ask, " Really?  What school is that?"  "Bla bla bla Missionary school" she says, as she practically does a cheer leading move. 

Well this is GREAT!  I have several options here as I know it's her job to save me.  I know there is no getting out of it, I just have to think of the most painless way.  She seemed like a sweet girl, so I didn't want to tell her that people get turned off by evangelizing.  I didn't want to grill her about her success rate and tell her it actually made people run in the other direction. She might cry, or worse it would spur on a conversation that would just frustrate both of us.  I briefly thought of lying and telling her I attended the Church of Jesus was a nice Jewish Boy Untied Chosen.  But I thought she might ask me questions and it was too early for that.  So instead I asked the flight attendant for a pillow ( which was as pillow like, as a wad of toilet paper) and attempted to sleep.

 I did okay until landing.  She was still there, still smiling when I " woke" from my fake nap.  We both knew there wasn't much time left, it was going to happen, so rather than have her chase me through the airport, I turn to her and smile back.  "  I found this" she says giving me a little booklet that can fit in the palm of my hand, " it's really funny".  I had a feeling it was not the kind of funny I was used to.  I shove it in my purse and say " thank you so much"  hoping this will be it.  People are departing the plane, I think I am safe, when she asks " do you go to church where you live?"  Even though I knew it was coming, even though I had two hours of a fake nap to be prepared, I hear myself saying " not really".   Not really!  Who said that?  That was the worst thing to say, I should have gone with the nice Jewish boy thing. I quickly pushed past her and squeezed in between the couple who sat behind us. 

I practically ran through the airport to ditch her.  I looked at her booklet in the car.  The front has the title Every Thing Man Has Learned About Women, the rest of the pages are blank except for the last one.  That page lists sins you may or may not have committed and how you can be saved.  On the back cover it says "  If you have broken those commandments, God sees you as a lying, thieving, blasphemous, adulter-at - heart, and your eternal destiny is Hell.  Woah, well even if I did think the man knowing woman thing was funny, I sure wasn't laughing now.  I wonder if I am a adulter- at- heart?  The little booklet didn't exactly explain, but it says " Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after has committed adultery already with her in his heart" Which I believe is taken from the Bible. I am pretty sure I'm safe on that front, although I am not an expert by any means.  Oh well, regardless, I am pretty much screwed according the the little book.

 I kind of think she committed a sin, by giving me this misleading joke book,  that was sort of a lie, as there was only one joke and it wasn't that funny.  Plus, my ass she " found" the little book, but who am I to judge?

Off to take a real nap.  All that thinking wore me out.

I know I have a lot of Christian readers, so I hope your not offended.  Most of you seem to have a good sense of humor, but you never know.  New readers especially, this is not for the " normal" Christian person.  If your offended you probably shouldn't be reading this blog anyway.