kids

  • Work

    Those of you who have read this blog for a long time know I work with troubled, teen boys as a teachers aide.  Sometimes I also work with the same boys as a " chemical dependance technician."   Which is really a glorified way of saying babysitter for bad boys. 
    This summer only a select few got to work for the school, and Safeway, the facility I work for, only gave me 5 days of work in one month.  I am relatively sure the reason I was not chosen as a select teacher's aide is because of the jerk teacher I work with. 

    So as uncharacteristic as it is, I was resourceful and found another teacher's aide position at the high school.  Unfortunately, and very characteristically, this gig only lasts until July1st.

    The position at the high school has been a welcome change from the bad boys and my coworkers at Safeway. 
    I am working with the incoming freshman, as part of the enrichment program.  This is  fancy wording for summer school for lower functioning kids.  In one of the groups there is a teacher and two teacher's aides because three of the kids are special needs. One of the kids, I'll call him Andrew, because that's his name, is so delightful.  Now delightful is not a word I usually use, and would probably make fun of that word if someone else used it, but it really applies here. 

    Normally, I have to say, special needs kids are not my forte.  I  think it's a gift some people have, and I'm not sure I have it, which is why it's good the three kids have their own aide who is great. 

    Andrew just makes me laugh though, I am starting to really get attached to this kid.  I first noticed him when we, as in they, played dodge ball.  Andrew had no idea how to play.  He walked around oblivious to the balls that were coming at him.  He didn't try and duck, he didn't throw any back, he just walked around with his arms flailing and had the best time.  The funny part was he never got hit.  He even turned his back to the ball, and still it went sailing by.  Like I said, he didn't know how to play, but he had the best time. 

    Andrew wears the same thing everyday.  A red Tee shirt, shorts, white knee socks, and gym shoes.  His aide suggested to him that he might ask mom to mix it up a bit, and wear something else, but we're on week three and he still shows up in the same clothes. 

    Today I said " Andrew, I thought Miss Kelly told you to wear something else sometimes"  He said, "  I'm not talking to you because I am getting a tetanus shot today"  Well, he told me I guess.

    Today in speech the kids had to do  demonstration speeches.  They pretty much sucked, but Andrew decided to give them all high ratings.  He was not told to rate the kids, but he really felt compelled.  He listened quietly then he would say something like  " your a star ___  I give you a 12."    Although, he didn't say whether it was 12 out of 12 or 12 out of 40, his enthusiasm told us it was good. 
    One kid seemed hurt that he only got a 3, but then Andrew changed it to a 14, so it was all good.

    The staff there does not allow disrespect, and I am treated with respect and as a professional, which is weird and new for me.   They also call me Mrs. Expunge, not Miss Laura.  I really think that makes a difference too, and may have the bad boys start calling me Mrs. E. 

    I am dreading July and working for Safeway, even though he at least gave me more than five days.  I am also thinking of writing the teacher a letter, before school starts, although that could backfire on me.

    I am turning 48 on Monday and I think I'll bring the kids donuts, even though I can't have any. 

    In other news, my grandmothers funeral was very nice, and after a couple xanax I spoke.  I can't remember what I said, but I was told I did a good job, so I'm glad I could honor her.

  • No Child Left Inside

    Okay folks get the medications out, we have a new disorder for our youth it's called Nature Deficit Disorder.  Seriously, I couldn't make this crap up. 

    Is this just another disorder, invented for the purpose of selling books?  Is it another way to make parents paranoid?  Is it another label we can attach to kids to make excuses for their behavior? 

    Or could it be true?  Millions of kids, stuck inside, never seeing a tree, or a butterfly?  Kids destined to learn to ride a bike at 50 years old? 

    Will the future be filled with obese adults, having mudaphobia?  Will this be the future of our commercials :

    Do you panic when you see a tree?

    Does the sound of a bird make you throw up?

    Is all your furniture made of plastic?

    If so you might have, Nature Deficit Disorder.

    Ask your doctor about Sidewalkchalk. 

    Said real fast:  Don't use Sidewalkchalk if you are between the ages of 20 and 25.  Sidewalkchalk causes diarrhea and constipation in 99% of people who use Sidewalkchalk on Mondays and Thursdays.  Tell your doctor if you are suddenly playing hopscotch in your office and have taken to urinating outside. You may have to discontinue use.  Sidewalkchalk doesn't really work, we are just capitalizing on a new disorder.  So call your Dr. today.  If your Dr. prescribes sidewalkchalk, we will give him or her an all expense paid trip to Hawaii.


    Please people!  Don't let this happen to us.  Take your kids outside.  Let them build a fort.  Teach them how to swing on a rope over a creek, causing them to fall in, thereby ruining the new poncho you brought back from Mexico.  True story.


    The future of our youth is in your hands.  We can stop this disorder if we work together. 

    TAKE YOUR KIDS OUTSIDE.  They'll thank you later.

    This public service announcement was sponsored by Momofjenmatt and Friends who yearn for the sixties, when kids could run wild.

  • Who Needs Disney World When You Can Have A Contintental Breakfast?

    My Mothers Day weekend was wonderful.  And I learned, or rather remembered, from years past, that to kids, the make your own waffle and juice bar are just as exciting as Space Mountain.  Toasting their own bagel seemed to be akin to a special lunch with Cinderella.  The excitement down stairs at breakfast, was so much, that I brought my breakfast to my room on day two. 

    I was reminded that I had wasted so much money when my own kids were little, when a new furnace box, had it lasted, would have sufficed as their only toy for years.
    Give a kid a pool and a hot tub, even when they have their own at home and they will be happy.  No need to even leave the hotel. 

    Honestly, I had to fight my way in.  The children, ranging in ages from four to eight, were ruthless.  They were scampering around in groups, fighting each other, and me, for a small cup of apple juice.  And it wasn't good enough to fill your glass just once, oh no, you had to stand there pressing the little lever twenty times refilling your cup.  Since day two was actually Mothers day, I thought it was rude of the kids.  Just the day before they had plenty of opportunities to make their own waffles, no need to hog the two waffle makers that were there.  I'm hoping the little brats got diarrhea later.

    The grab your own hard boiled egg didn't seem to hold much appeal.  But it wasn't appealing to the adults either.  It was the gadgets that were fun.

    I wasn't there, but I bet those kids were doing cartwheels over the mini fridge and the microwave.  I can hear them now, " cool a little fridge, can I run down to the pop machine ( also a novelty) and put a can of pop in there?"

     Did you know you can entertain a child for hours with an ice machine and a bucket?  Well, it's true.  Just ask the kid who was subject to my glares and sighs after they ran down the hall, screeching for the hundredth time, to fill the ice bucket.  One would think they had gone hunting and were trying to keep the meat cold.


    It was a good deal if you think about it, probably
    less than a day at Six Flags with a family of four, and technically the
    breakfast is free.

    The point is, for all you parents of young kids, don't bother with the amusement parks and massive amounts of toys.  A night in a hotel room will be just fine with the kids.  On the way home stop by your local appliance store and grab a box.  Your kids will be the envy of the whole neighborhood and you will have saved a ton of money.

    And that is my tip for the day.